Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Twitter Thursday...An Hour Early (Or A Week Late If You're One Of Those Glass Half-Empty Dicks!)

Last week, I didn't post Twitter Thursday. I just haven't haven't tweeting quite as much lately. So, I waited until this week for a Super Deluxe version of T.T. (which is what all the cool kids are calling Twitter Thursday, now).

I believe in you. I just know you'll fail.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Always Look For The Ring First, Gentlemen.

I recently read an article in the New York Post (which I don’t make a habit of reading, I promise) that was written by the guy originally tasked with writing one of the biggest cinematic dog turds of all time: Battlefield Earth.

Battlefield Earth, for those of you who don’t know, is a novel penned by L. Ron Hubbard; the guy who invented (yes, invented) the “religion” known as Scientology. The Post article (written by J.D. Shapiro) chronicles how he basically visited a Scientology center in Los Angeles in an effort to meet women. That visit led to him writing the screenplay for the cinematic version of Hubbard’s Sci-fi story. It’s a good article, and you should check it out if you can find it.

Anyway, the article reminded me of my very own brief brush with Scientology. I’m always looking for great topics for my blog, so I thought I’d tell all of you about my experience.

This takes place way back before your ole’ pal Judge Fudge was handed his gavel and powdered wig. It was 2005, and I was working as a sales associate in a shoe store. One autumn evening when I was sweeping up the floor, a young woman walked in wearing a backpack and carrying a clipboard. I was sweeping right near the door, so she came up and introduced herself to me. She said that she was doing a consumer survey. That, coupled with the clipboard and backpack, made me think she was probably doing a survey for a college course she was taking.

I immediately had two thoughts:

1. 11. This is something a store manager should be dealing with.

2. I don’t have time for this bulls*it.

So, I pawned the woman off on our assistant manager Stacy (who was the only other employee in the store that evening). A minute or so later, the woman came back and said “Stacy said it was ok if you took the survey.”

Well played, Stacy.

All told, the young woman wasn’t bad looking, and since I figured her to be a college student I assumed that she was roughly my age. I figured that instead of finding a nice way of telling her “I don’t have time for this bulls*it,” I’d indulge her for a few minutes.

The woman started off by asking me pretty inane questions. They were the kind of questions that are designed for everyone to say “yes” to. Questions like “Do you often feel negative emotions?” and ‘Have you ever had an unhappy relationship?’

Anyway, she and I go through about 15 or 20 of these questions, and finally she asks, “What would you say if I told you there was a book that could help you with all of those things I asked you about?”

What I said was “I’d love to learn more.”

What I was thinking was “Awww, crap! If she pulls the Book of Mormon out of her backpack, I’m going to shove it up her ass!”

Turns out she had something much worse: Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard.

At this point, I’m thinking “Is it 'Just' to fake interest in a religion just to possibly get a date with this woman?”

I determined that since Scientology is a fake religion, faking interest wasn’t unjust on my part.

I made small talk with her for about 5 minutes. That’s when she, in passing, mentioned her husband. Seconds after that was when I finally noticed (duh), the gold ring on her finger!

Long story short, the woman had gotten my mailing address and email address before I noodle through the fact that she was going to be going home to a another brainwashed Thetan. As a result, I still (despite moving to a new address in the years since 2005) get nonsense in the mail from this fake religion.

So, Mr. Shapiro of the New York Post and I have something in common. Our respective “little buddies” have gotten us both in trouble with a religion that worships space aliens and (ironically) hates psychologists.

Oh well. At least I got out before I was asked to write one of the worst movies ever made.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Twitter Thursday

Reality shows on the History Channel! I guess next they're going to stop playing music on MTV or something.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Twitter Thursday

I feel like I'm in a Twilight Zone alternate reality where I'm the only one who realizes what an unfunny, vulgar dolt Sarah Silverman is.

Shhhhh, Don't Tell The Pedophiles

Do you get a free kid with the rental of two or more movies, or is Movie Gallery branching out into other fields?

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Vajazzling Makes Me Want To VaVomit!

I learned a new word today. I'm pretty sure it's the most annoying, ridiculous thing I've ever heard of, and just the fact that there IS a word for this pisses me off. Today's secret word is: Vajazzle.

If you don't know what vajazzling is, it's basically a new fad in which women put rhinestones on their crotches.

Yes...that's right.


...On their crotches.

Think about it like this: Bedazzle+Vagina=Vajazzle.

Is there any doubt that those four horsemen will be showing up any day now?

I heard about this pop culture dog turd thanks to a nationally syndicated radio show that I like to listen to when I'm getting ready for work. Apparently, it's not a new phenomenon. A couple of months back, actress Jennifer Love Hewitt talked about bedazzling her "precious lady" during a talk show appearance. "It shined like a disco ball," Hewitt gleefully reported.

Like a good blogger, I spent the last hour shirking all work-related responsibility to do a little research on vajazzling. There are sites that call it out for the ridiculously idiotic concept that it is, sites instructing you how to vajazzle, and even one that calls it...I kid you not..."classy."

Do they mean classy in an ironic kind of way, or in a meth addicted 19 year old stripper wearing a halter-top that says "Classy Lassy" kind of way?

You know, there are a lot of people that say that Al Qaeda and other terrorist groups hate us because of our freedom, or because the average Westerner has so much disposable income. I used to think the same thing...Until today. They don't hate us because of our freedom, they hate us because we choose to do nonsense like this with our freedom and our money.

After today, I can't help but sympathize with the terrorists slightly.

Now before I get a bunch of letters and phone calls from the ACLU and Amnesty International asking for donations, let me say this: If I were president, water-boarding would be the least of a terrorists worries. If I were in charge, we would be strapping jumper cables to the nipples of the folks at Guantanamo and shooting a couple of hundred volts through them every morning before breakfast.

Still...I can't help but sympathize with them a little after hearing about this vajazzling nonsense. Think about it: Hundreds of thousands in these Middle Eastern countries don't have running water, they don't have jobs, they still go to the bathroom in a hole in their backyards.

Meanwhile, rich white American women have the time and money to get costume jewelry glued to their cooters!

Cue the Lee Greenwood music, because I'm proud to be an American!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Twitter Thursday

Call me juvenile but I laugh when I hear the term "Man on man coverage"