I Don't Know You, But I Probably Don't Like You

Random Quotes

2011-04-02T10:38:00.000-07:00

With the return of my blog comes a new semi-regular feature: Random Quotes. These are quotes from my best buddy Bobby and me when we get together during our off time. Keep in mind, these quotes are often alcohol induced.

"Hosni Mubarak's love humus"-Me

"It's the new STD beer: Herpenbach."-Bobby

"F**K John Quincy Adams!"-Me

"Major Mapleleaf is everything you would expect a Canadian superhero to be: Terrible."-Bobby

"How DARE you pray for me! Take that back!"-Me

"You're like Comic Book Guy, except for football!"-Bobby

"I took your idea, had sex with it, and made a baby called 'Fun.'"-Bobby

"I was ready to punch someone before I even got out of my car this morning."-Me

Welcome Back

2011-04-02T10:23:00.000-07:00

Like a husband who crawls back to his wife after he gets tired of the sexy, young chippy he was dating, I've returned. I'm sorry. Can I move back into the house?

Ladies And Gentlemen, Judge Fudge Has Left The Building!

2010-07-25T19:58:00.000-07:00

Since I know you all hang on my every word, you've probably wondering where I've been this summer. The truth is that I've decided to move on to bigger and better things in the blogging world. I've had a lot of fun here on Blogspot and I don't plan to delete this blog. However, I've decided to move to I Don't Know You, But I Probably Don't Like You 2.0 on Wordpress. Stop by and say hi. Don't worry. Since I know you all crave my feedback, I'll still stop by here and read/comment on your latest updates. For now, though, I'll see you 'round the Blog-O-Sphere.

Man Vs Nature: The Road To Victory II

2010-05-18T09:31:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that it's been exactly one month since I've posted anything on here. Yet, I come here with grave news. You may remember a few months back when I reported on snakes learning to smoke cigarettes. I said that it was a disturbing sign that animals were working to replace us at the top of earth's hierarchy.

Many of you wrote me off as crazy.

Because you all turned your backs and ignored my warnings, the diabolical plans of these evil animals have continued unabated. How do I know? I was lucky enough to obtain disturbing visual evidence of ongoing talks between mammals and crustaceans.

That's right: A Cat-Crayfish alliance!

Representatives from the mammal and crustacean world, Buggs the cat and Mr. Crawdaddy the crayfish, seal the historic agreement with a paw/claw shake while Buggs' bodyguard Smokey scans the perimeter.

Man's war against nature will not be won by sitting on the sidelines. Join the fight! You're either with us or against us!

My Own Personal Love Triangle

2010-04-18T20:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,

I have to make this quick. I think my Twitter page is on to us.

Love,

Judge Fudge

Twitter Thursday...An Hour Early (Or A Week Late If You're One Of Those Glass Half-Empty Dicks!)

2010-03-31T20:50:00.000-07:00

Last week, I didn't post Twitter Thursday. I just haven't haven't tweeting quite as much lately. So, I waited until this week for a Super Deluxe version of T.T. (which is what all the cool kids are calling Twitter Thursday, now).

I believe in you. I just know you'll fail.7:13 PM Mar 18th via txt
"The evidence is strong that these two human groups came across each others' tools." Apparently, I'm watching the Erotic History Channel
That's it! You Twitter followers have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to Clown College!11:25 PM Mar 20th via web
Rockapella is coming to the Heyman Center. Keep your Lady Gaga bullspit, Rockapella's the band I want tickets to see.10:59 PM Mar 22nd via web
You stupid wretches!11:13 PM Mar 22nd via web
Sorry, democracy. I guess Obama's just not that into you.9:38 AM Mar 23rd via web
You chicanerous dogs!10:54 AM Mar 24th via web
If General Electric and Alitalia Airlines ever merged would they name the new company Genitalia?11:20 PM Mar 24th via web
So...how many minutes into the Rockapella show will it be before someone yells "Sing Carmen San Diego!"4:52 PM Mar 25th via web
Also, what are the odds that that person will be me?4:52 PM Mar 25th via web
A certain cat would be ill-advised to pee on the robe of the guy who feeds him.10:16 PM Mar 26th via web
If he does it again,I'm going to explain to him how they used to string tennis rackets in the old days.That'll give him nightmares for weeks10:20 PM Mar 26th via web
I'll be celebrating #EarthHour by force-feeding my used motor oil to squirrels. Be part of the solution, man!9:23 AM Mar 27th via web
The fact that Oprah is narrating this show on the Discovery Channel completely kills all enthusiasm I had for it.5:02 PM Mar 28th via web
The term "Dudevorce" is almost as disturbing as Vajazzle.9:37 PM Mar 29th via txt
Great! A Vagisil commercial right before bed. Now, I'll have nightmares!about 23 hours ago via web

Always Look For The Ring First, Gentlemen.

2010-03-29T14:47:00.000-07:00

I recently read an article in the New York Post (which I don’t make a habit of reading, I promise) that was written by the guy originally tasked with writing one of the biggest cinematic dog turds of all time: Battlefield Earth.

Battlefield Earth, for those of you who don’t know, is a novel penned by L. Ron Hubbard; the guy who invented (yes, invented) the “religion” known as Scientology. The Post article (written by J.D. Shapiro) chronicles how he basically visited a Scientology center in Los Angeles in an effort to meet women. That visit led to him writing the screenplay for the cinematic version of Hubbard’s Sci-fi story. It’s a good article, and you should check it out if you can find it.

Anyway, the article reminded me of my very own brief brush with Scientology. I’m always looking for great topics for my blog, so I thought I’d tell all of you about my experience.

This takes place way back before your ole’ pal Judge Fudge was handed his gavel and powdered wig. It was 2005, and I was working as a sales associate in a shoe store. One autumn evening when I was sweeping up the floor, a young woman walked in wearing a backpack and carrying a clipboard. I was sweeping right near the door, so she came up and introduced herself to me. She said that she was doing a consumer survey. That, coupled with the clipboard and backpack, made me think she was probably doing a survey for a college course she was taking.

I immediately had two thoughts:

1. 11. This is something a store manager should be dealing with.

2. I don’t have time for this bulls*it.

So, I pawned the woman off on our assistant manager Stacy (who was the only other employee in the store that evening). A minute or so later, the woman came back and said “Stacy said it was ok if you took the survey.”

Well played, Stacy.

All told, the young woman wasn’t bad looking, and since I figured her to be a college student I assumed that she was roughly my age. I figured that instead of finding a nice way of telling her “I don’t have time for this bulls*it,” I’d indulge her for a few minutes.

The woman started off by asking me pretty inane questions. They were the kind of questions that are designed for everyone to say “yes” to. Questions like “Do you often feel negative emotions?” and ‘Have you ever had an unhappy relationship?’

Anyway, she and I go through about 15 or 20 of these questions, and finally she asks, “What would you say if I told you there was a book that could help you with all of those things I asked you about?”

What I said was “I’d love to learn more.”

What I was thinking was “Awww, crap! If she pulls the Book of Mormon out of her backpack, I’m going to shove it up her ass!”

Turns out she had something much worse: Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard.

At this point, I’m thinking “Is it 'Just' to fake interest in a religion just to possibly get a date with this woman?”

I determined that since Scientology is a fake religion, faking interest wasn’t unjust on my part.

I made small talk with her for about 5 minutes. That’s when she, in passing, mentioned her husband. Seconds after that was when I finally noticed (duh), the gold ring on her finger!

Long story short, the woman had gotten my mailing address and email address before I noodle through the fact that she was going to be going home to a another brainwashed Thetan. As a result, I still (despite moving to a new address in the years since 2005) get nonsense in the mail from this fake religion.

So, Mr. Shapiro of the New York Post and I have something in common. Our respective “little buddies” have gotten us both in trouble with a religion that worships space aliens and (ironically) hates psychologists.

Oh well. At least I got out before I was asked to write one of the worst movies ever made.

Twitter Thursday

2010-03-18T09:57:00.000-07:00

Reality shows on the History Channel! I guess next they're going to stop playing music on MTV or something.3:25 PM Mar 13th via web
The words I will live by from now on:"Vegetables. They're what food eats."9:27 PM Mar 14th via web
ABBA in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame? That makes about as much sense as giving Obama a Nobel Peace Pri...Oh, wait.7:39 AM Mar 15th via web
The New Orleans EarthFest sponsored by British Petroleum.I'm going to call Don Rumsfeld and ask him if he wants to sponsor Peacefest8:03 AM Mar 15th via web
Another earthquake hit Japan. It's only a matter of time before Godzilla is awakened from his underwater slumber.12:23 PM Mar 15th via txt
As long as your ole' pal Judge Fudge is alive, it is NOT accurate to declare that everybody loves Raymond.1:02 PM Mar 16th via web
Gimme back that fillet of fish. Gimme that fish.7:49 PM Mar 16th via web
What if you were made into a tasty fish treat? If it were YOU in that sandwich, you wouldn't be getting this tweeeeet.7:49 PM Mar 16th via web

Twitter Thursday

2010-03-11T18:57:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm in a Twilight Zone alternate reality where I'm the only one who realizes what an unfunny, vulgar dolt Sarah Silverman is.8:29 PM Mar 4th via web
Fruit Stripe Gum was always like the retard of gums when I was growing up..8:47 PM Mar 5th via web
Guess who has two thumbs and doesn't give a rat's rear end about the Oscars.9:57 AM Mar 7th via txt
The History Channel should combine the shows "American Eats" and "American Pickers" and produce a new show called "Picking and Eating."1:44 PM Mar 7th via web
You stupid wretches! I hate you all! :p1:51 PM Mar 7th via web
I wonder if Ted Kennedy's sober yet.1:55 PM Mar 7th via web
No one ever pays me in gum :(8:16 PM Mar 8th via web
Learned a new word today: Vajazzle. I'm pretty sure its why terrorists hate our country.10:30 AM Mar 9th via web
The LAST thing we need is for circus freks to unionize.8:51 PM Mar 9th via txt
Chuck Norris is only a few months younger than my grandma.If they were both single met and liked each other Chuck Norris could be my grandpa12:10 PM Mar 10th via web
Would I call him "Paw Paw Chuck" or "Paw Paw Norris?"12:11 PM Mar 10th via web
Who am I kidding? I'd just call him "Sir."12:11 PM Mar 10th via web

Shhhhh, Don't Tell The Pedophiles

2010-03-11T11:04:00.000-08:00

Do you get a free kid with the rental of two or more movies, or is Movie Gallery branching out into other fields?

Vajazzling Makes Me Want To VaVomit!

2010-03-09T09:28:00.000-08:00

I learned a new word today. I'm pretty sure it's the most annoying, ridiculous thing I've ever heard of, and just the fact that there IS a word for this pisses me off. Today's secret word is: Vajazzle.

If you don't know what vajazzling is, it's basically a new fad in which women put rhinestones on their crotches.

Yes...that's right.

Rhinestones...

...On their crotches.

Think about it like this: Bedazzle+Vagina=Vajazzle.

Is there any doubt that those four horsemen will be showing up any day now?

I heard about this pop culture dog turd thanks to a nationally syndicated radio show that I like to listen to when I'm getting ready for work. Apparently, it's not a new phenomenon. A couple of months back, actress Jennifer Love Hewitt talked about bedazzling her "precious lady" during a talk show appearance. "It shined like a disco ball," Hewitt gleefully reported.

Like a good blogger, I spent the last hour shirking all work-related responsibility to do a little research on vajazzling. There are sites that call it out for the ridiculously idiotic concept that it is, sites instructing you how to vajazzle, and even one that calls it...I kid you not..."classy."

Do they mean classy in an ironic kind of way, or in a meth addicted 19 year old stripper wearing a halter-top that says "Classy Lassy" kind of way?

You know, there are a lot of people that say that Al Qaeda and other terrorist groups hate us because of our freedom, or because the average Westerner has so much disposable income. I used to think the same thing...Until today. They don't hate us because of our freedom, they hate us because we choose to do nonsense like this with our freedom and our money.

After today, I can't help but sympathize with the terrorists slightly.

Now before I get a bunch of letters and phone calls from the ACLU and Amnesty International asking for donations, let me say this: If I were president, water-boarding would be the least of a terrorists worries. If I were in charge, we would be strapping jumper cables to the nipples of the folks at Guantanamo and shooting a couple of hundred volts through them every morning before breakfast.

Still...I can't help but sympathize with them a little after hearing about this vajazzling nonsense. Think about it: Hundreds of thousands in these Middle Eastern countries don't have running water, they don't have jobs, they still go to the bathroom in a hole in their backyards.

Meanwhile, rich white American women have the time and money to get costume jewelry glued to their cooters!

Cue the Lee Greenwood music, because I'm proud to be an American!

Twitter Thursday

2010-03-04T15:04:00.000-08:00

Call me juvenile but I laugh when I hear the term "Man on man coverage"4:46 PM Feb 28th via txt
Canada beats USA at hockey. We still beat them in everything that matters.4:55 PM Feb 28th via txt
Black History Month is officially over. White History Year officially resumes.10:09 AM Mar 2nd via web
Trailer parks are meth colonies waiting to happen.about 24 hours ago via web
I'm pretty sure TiVo's only a year or two away from gaining sentience.about 16 hours ago via web in reply to senatorwest
A great name for an obsessive compulsive classic rock band: OC/DCabout 6 hours ago via txt
If I were Gov Patterson's (the blind NY Gov) lawyer I'd research whether or not the ethics laws he violated are available in braille. If not, instant alibi!about 5 hours ago via web

Twitter Thursday On A Monday

2010-03-01T15:41:00.000-08:00

There used to be an old radio DJ that I loved. He went from doing a morning show to an evening shift. In the radio world, that's the equivalent of a demotion, but he rolled with it pretty well. He started doing announcements on the station he was on saying, "Did you hear? I'm doing my morning show at night!" This is just a long, rambling way of saying that I I'm doing Twitter Thursday on Monday because I've been to busy (ie. Lazy) to post Twitter Thursday for the last couple of weeks. So here's two weeks worth of Twitter wisdom for you.

Ok...In retrospect, maybe "The Grapist" was not the most politically correct idea for a grape soda mascot.10:10 PM Feb 11th via web
February 14: V-Day. February 15: VD-Day...The Aftermath.12:16 AM Feb 15th via web
How come fat people are the only ones with big bones?8:39 AM Feb 15th via web
President's Day Fact: George Washington spent 7% of his $25,000 per year presidential salary on booze.7:30 PM Feb 15th via web
I had no idea that Tiger Woods' mom is Yoko Ono!11:09 AM Feb 19th via web
I get the feeling that the Winter Olympics were established so potheads in Aspen could win gold medals that they could pawn for more hash.11:55 AM Feb 19th via web
They need to change the name of this History Channel show from "Lock N Load" to "R Lee Ermy Gets Paid To Shoot Stuff"5:41 PM Feb 19th via txt
When I saw "The Queen" was playing on AMC, I thought maybe someone had finally filmed a biopic of Boy George's life8:07 PM Feb 20th via web
Well, well, well, I guess America is better than you at EVERYTHING, Canada.8:56 PM Feb 21st via web
I AM the law!12:46 AM Feb 23rd via web
"Actual amounts of hope and change may vary."#Obama2012Slogan4:17 PM Feb 24th via web
"F**k you, America!" #Obama2012Slogan6:39 PM Feb 24th via web

Super Bowl Memories

2010-02-14T09:42:00.000-08:00

Well, the game is over. The Saints won. Here I am, a week later, finally sobering up. Ok, maybe I didn't celebrate quite that much. Super Bowl Sunday was a long, thrilling, alcohol and adrenaline fueled day for my friends and I, though.

I thought that while the game was still fresh in everyone's mind, I'd take the time to post my observations of the game.

First of all, it's pretty exciting that everyone across the country knows the term "Who Dat?' now. Even Dave Barry mentioned it in his most recent column. He opines that us Saints fans use it as some sort of radar/sonar to locate each other. I have to admit that it's MUCH easier to find other Saints fans in a crowd by yelling "Who Dat?" and listening to see who yells it back.

I'm a little disappointed, though, that my more grammatically correct "Who is that who proclaims that they are going to defeat those Saints" didn't catch on this season.

It's Not A Super Bowl Ring, But It's A Start

I'm a Peyton Manning fan. Not only is he from right here in Louisiana, but he's a class act. I was rooting for the Saints last Sunday, but I wouldn't have been devastated if the Colts had won. That's why I was satisfied to hear that Peyton and his brother defeated Double Trump in the Double Stuff Racing League championship. He's a shoe in to be named MVP of the league. His only competition is goldbrickin' bastard Eli.

Most Inadvertently Funny Super Bowl Moment Captured On Film

Juvenille? You bet! Still, I dare you to keep looking at the picture above and not laugh. In fact, this may be the most inadvertently funny professional sports moment since the days of Pittsburgh Pirates outfielder Johnny Dickshot.

The Great Stone Face

You've got to give Colts head coach Jim Caldwell. He led his team to the Super Bowl after only one season. He's one of only a few first year coaches to accomplish such a feat. Not only that, he seems like a great guy who does a lot for the community.

Watching the game last week, though, I couldn't help but notice that Coach Caldwell's expression didn't change ever seem to change during the game. Saints coach Sean Payton is always animated on the sidelines. Coach Payton pumped his fists so many times during the game, I thought his arm would fall off. Caldwell, on the other hand, kept up the stone face routine. Check out a few pictures from the game to see for yourself.

Here's Jim Caldwell just after Peyton Manning threw a touchdown pass a 18 yard touchdown pass to Pierre Garcon in the first quarter.

Here's Jim Caldwell after the onside kick that the Saints recovered at the start of the second half.

Here he is after the Saints take a 16-10 lead near the end of the third quarter.

Here he is after Peyton Manning threw an interception to Saints defender Tracy Porter that was returned for a touchdown.

And, last but not least, here's Jim Caldwell after hearing that his wife was sleeping with his best friend.

No Caddy For The MVP

For a number of years, GM has awarded a new car to the Super Bowl MVP. As you may have heard, though, GM has fallen on tough times. For that and other reasons, this year's MVP, Drew Brees, is not going to get a new Cadillac. Even though Drew won't be getting one for free, Cadillac's PR director joked that he hoped Drew Brees would "..buy a Cadillac is he doesn't already own one." I think Drew should do it. From the looks of the video below, it looks like it may be time for Mr. Brees to trade in his current ride.

It was a great game, and a great season. Especially if you're a Saints fan. Now football is over for the next 6 months. That means I have to figure out what to do with my Sunday afternoons until next August.

Twitter Thursday!

2010-02-11T16:03:00.000-08:00

Hey! Lex Luther was elected mayor of New Orleans last night!8:56 AM Feb 7th from txt
Wal Mart was packed. Is there something important goin on today?11:54 AM Feb 7th from txt
Anybody else see the "Canonize Brees" sign after the game?lol1:38 AM Feb 8th from web
Everyone said the Saints would win the super bowl when Hell froze over, and Washington DC froze over this weekend. Hmmmmmm6:34 AM Feb 8th from txt
What is Dick Vitale good for other than being loud and annoying?5:26 PM Feb 8th from txt
Don't worry, Peyton. You still have a shot at that Oreo Double Stuff Racing League Championship.6:24 PM Feb 8th from web
My favorite Super Bowl commercial was the one advertising the next "exciting" episode of Navy: NCIS.10:40 PM Feb 8th from web
Saints fans, your team has won Super Bowl XLIV. Remember it forever with this horrendously overpriced crap from nflshops.com3:21 PM Feb 9th from txt
Watching the Saints parade online. This is...buffering...buffering...buffering...really exciting.7:03 PM Feb 9th from web
To the guy sitting in the lobby: it's not hip to wear a fedora inside. It just shows that you're an ill-mannered douche.10:23 AM Feb 10th from txt

WE DAT!

2010-02-07T23:18:00.001-08:00

And to all a good night!

Twitter Thursday...On A Friday.

2010-02-05T08:19:00.000-08:00

So, there was no Twitter Thursday last week. Last Thursday, I didn't have an internet connection. Actually,I didn't have one Wednesday morning and was without it until sometime during Sunday of last week. There wasn't a whole lot of tweets from me last week, as a result. So, here's a super mega Twitter Thursday that incorporates two weeks worth of tweets.

John Edwards....You ARE the father! Haha! I love it. Nothing but good news for the Democrats this week.8:55 AM Jan 21st from web
"Let the record show that Mr. Hank Hill really knows his pornography."9:23 PM Jan 22nd from web
You know I'll bet that Lady Gaga creature was a really handsome man before its sex change.3:24 PM Jan 24th from txt
It's the Vikings Vs Jeremy Shockey, who looks like a real live viking.5:24 PM Jan 24th from txt
Anybody else excited for the 4th annual Brett Favre retirement party? #whodat5:30 PM Jan 24th from txt
Favre's going to be mad when he realizes that he forgot to TiVo Murder She Wrote.6:49 PM Jan 24th from txt
I'm sick of these two coaches playing lawyer ball9:17 PM Jan 24th from txt
The Saints are now America's team. If you don't support them you're a terrorist...and probably impotent.7:55 AM Jan 25th from web
New Orleans Times-Picayune sold every copy today. On a related note, there are plenty copies of the Minneapolis Star-Tribune available!6:47 PM Jan 25th from web
Jeez. Getting injured in the Pro Bowl is like twisting your ankle in a fun run.7:53 PM Jan 31st from txt
It's Groundhog Day. That means if Bill Murray sees his shadow, there will be 6 more Garfield movies, right?8:27 AM Feb 2nd from web
Just because Archie Manning is rooting for the Colts, don't go TP his yard. He'll make Cooper and Eli pick it all up.9:37 AM Feb 4th from web

Man Vs. Nature: The Road To Victory!

2010-02-02T09:00:00.000-08:00

Seriously, is there any question that the apocalypse is around the corner? Not only are the Saints going to the Super Bowl….

Have I mentioned that yet? The Saints are going to the Super Bowl!

There’s a much more disturbing sign that the world will soon may be turning into a giant spinning ball of lava. First is the story that giant squid are invading California. That’s right! Giant squid are invading California. Most of these squid weigh between 20 and 40 lbs, and squirt ink at people who piss them off. I’m not kidding. According to the AP story I read, these squid have been shooting ink when they feel threatened.

I feel bad for the people of California, because they’re not going to repel this invasion. Think about it: Their governor’s a German guy. Think about what happened the last time a bunch of German guys tried to repel a sea-born invasion.

"Well, Hans, looks like our wiener schnitzels are in a ringer now."

Yeah…California’s screwed.

I think anyone with half a brain realizes that these squid are soulless, Godless, communist killing machines who are invading our soil for the very purpose of corrupting our hearts and minds! These squid are coming after our homes, our jobs, our children, and our way of life!

God forbid they catch you in a sushi restaurant, or eating calamari once they hit the mainland. They’ll send you off to one of their undersea prison camps.

It may be too late for California, but it’s not too late for you, and your hometown! Take up arms…or fishing rods, and fight these eight-armed bastards.

America fighting World War III against communist squid is just the tip of the iceberg. You see, there’s even more evidence that points to an upcoming apocalyptic animal uprising.

Snakes are learning how to smoke cigarettes.

"If I don't get my nicotine fix, I get downright venomous!" (Rimshot)

Meet Po the pit viper. He’s a three year old snake that lives with his owner Sho Lau in Taipei. According to Lau, Po smokes a cigarette in the morning, and another one in the evening.

In the Terminator movies, they talked about robots and computers becoming sentient and killing humans. They got it all wrong. It’s not the machines that are going to rise up against us. It’s the animals! Some, namely me, would say that it’s already started!

Why do you think snakes are learning to smoke cigarettes?

They’re trying to kill humans with second hand smoke. Don’t be fooled! Snakes subscribe to all the latest medical journals. They KNOW what second hand smoke does to human lungs. This is all part of their evil two-pronged assault on humanity: The poisonous snakes ambush us and bite us. The non-poisonous snakes hang around in our backyards smoking until we develop lung cancer.

Then, they invade our houses and take over.

These truly are are times that try men's souls.

Dear World

2010-01-24T20:36:00.000-08:00

Louisiana, most of the Gulf Coast, and I will be unavailable tomorrow. Geaux, SAINTS!

Twitter Thursday!

2010-01-21T13:59:00.000-08:00

It's that time again, America! Twitter Thursday!

"Penis ensmallment" is my new favorite phrase.9:18 PM Jan 14th from txt
If you're not rooting for the Saints, you're not a patriotic American like me and Harry Connick, Jr.4:00 PM Jan 16th from txt
Did they give Reggie Bush "Don't Suck" pills before this game?4:14 PM Jan 16th from txt
#ChuckNorris is the only person allowed to touch the Shaqtus.7:31 PM Jan 16th from web
Jeez. You know you're from South Louisiana when you blow your nose and a piece of rice comes out.8:14 PM Jan 16th from txt
Favre Vs Romo= 70 year old man Vs 12 year old girl.12:29 PM Jan 17th from txt
Only two things come from Texas: Steers, and teams that choke in the playoffs.1:05 PM Jan 17th from txt
Every time they show Prince at the Vikings games, he looks like a creepy manequin.2:35 PM Jan 17th from txt
Oh look! Leno is doing "Headlines!" He was doing that the last time I watched Leno...back in 1995.9:19 PM Jan 18th from txt
Sorry, AC/DC. I can't in good concscience salute people who are ABOUT to rock. Once they actually START rockin, then we'll talk.2:45 PM Jan 19th from web
Every time I see the words "Jim Rome Is Burning," it makes me think Jim Rome has herpes.3:31 PM Jan 19th from web

Twitter Thursday!

2010-01-14T19:03:00.000-08:00

You thought I forgot, didn't you? Well, I didn't. It's time for the blog sensation that's spreading across the 7 continents like a highly contagious, and super sexy virus: Twitter Thursday!

Watching Master and Commander. Is there anything more fun that watching Russel Crowe kill filthy French people?10:04 PM Jan 8th from txt
If I ever meet Old Man Winter, I'm going to staple an American flag to his butt and mail him to Al Qaeda!3:30 PM Jan 9th from web
someone needs to punch Tony Romo in his vagina!9:12 PM Jan 9th from web
Jay Leno Show cancelled. This is rock solid proof to atheists everywhere that there IS a God.2:35 PM Jan 10th from web
I hear some Baltimore players snuck into Tom Brady's hotel room last night and stole his estrogen pills.4:32 PM Jan 10th from txt
#imtiredof young people speaking like they're straight out of Compton. Use the Queen's English, please.6:56 PM Jan 10th from web
Cardinals kicker= Shank Williams, Jr.6:58 PM Jan 10th from web
I want a bacon donut.8:02 PM Jan 10th from txt
Conan O'Brien quits to avoid "destruction" of the Tonight Show. Looks like NBC late night is the Happy Chin Fun Time Hour again. Bleh3:07 PM Jan 12th from web
How long before NBC applies for a bailout?9:49 AM Jan 13th from txt
I've come to the realization that I don't care for most things.about 8 hours ago from web

Jay Leno Needs A Good Cock Punchin'

2010-01-12T11:12:00.000-08:00

Hey, NBC! Here's a paper bag.

Can you program your way out of it? Apparently not.

For those of you who don’t know, atheists were proven wrong this past weekend when the world was given rock solid proof of God’s existence: The painfully mediocre Jay Leno Show was cancelled.

In case you didn’t get it yet, I’m not a Leno fan. His comedy acumen is about as sharp as a plastic fork. As biting as a toothless Appalachia shack dweller. He appeals mainly to the Social Security set, soccer moms, and folks who are wowed by bright colors.

Here’s a little background on this story: Jay decided sometime in 2008 that he didn’t want to retire from his Tonight Show gig in 2009 like he had planned. He whined about possibly going to another network and competing with the Tonight Show and its soon to be host Conan O’Brien. In other words, big chin decided to start acting like a supreme dick.

NBC caved, and gave Leno a prime time version of his Tonight Show called The Jay Leno Show (or as I heard someone describe it recently: The Happy Chin Fun Time Hour). In the process, a lot of NBC prime time dramas ended up being cancelled, which put a lot of writers and behind the scenes people out of work.

Even before the Jay Leno debacle, NBC was struggling to beat Univision in the nightly ratings race (And for good reason. I don’t speak Spanish, but I’ll admit that Mexican soap operas are better than NBC’s godawful sitcom Parks and Recreation.).

It’s gotten worse since Jay Leno’s prime time experiment. The man who was such a ratings grabber in late night has become a ratings black hole in prime time. Not only are Leno’s ratings abysmal, his show is hurting NBC affiliates across the country. For example, the 11:00pm newscasts of many of NBC’s affiliates have lost viewers since Leno has moved to prime time. WBAL in Baltimore, for example, went from having a number one rated late night newscast to a distant second.

So Leno’s been cancelled. However, the kind of milquetoast lands on his chin once again! NBC is rewarding him for failure by moving him back to 11:35 for a half-hour “comedy” show. They’re hoping that moving Leno back to his old time slot will regain that old Late Night magic.

As a result, new Tonight Show host Conan O’Brien gets screwed again. There’s talk about moving the Tonight Show to 12:05 to accommodate Leno.

This would be a moot point probably if the Tonight Show was still riding high in the ratings. Unfortunately, Conan has been beaten by David Letterman almost every evening since taking over Jay Leno’s old spot.

The short-sighted execs at NBC, desperately struggling to reshuffle the deck chairs on the Titanic, seem to forget how Leno struggled in HIS first months as the Tonight Show’s. Watch the movie The Late Shift to see a great chronicle of that affair, and how Jay leno supposedly hid in a closet to spy on NBC execs who were badmouthing him during those turbulent months.

While Jay was given the chance to succeed on the Tonight Show, Conan has NOT been given the chance. It’s a real shame. Yes, Conan is an acquired taste, but he’s absolutely hilarious (don’t forget, he wrote several episodes of The Simpsons that are considered some of the greatest episodes of the series). Given time to hone and refine the show, I have no doubt Conan deliver great ratings.

Since I started my rough draft of this post, Conan has decided to jump off of the Titanic rather than stay on the sinking ship. He stated in an open letter to “People of earth” that he will not stay with the Tonight Show if NBC tries to move it from its 11;35 start time (which it has held for nearly 60 years). He also slammed NBC’s lack of support, and Leno’s abysmal prime time ratings, saying “It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.”

I don’t often take pleasure in the failure of others. However, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t rooting for Leno to fail miserably if he’s returned to late night. Sooner or later this big chinned nitwit is going to stop falling up. I hope it’s sooner rather than later.

By the way, this ALL of this could have been avoided if NBC had given the Tonight Show to Letterman in 1992 like Johnny Carson wanted…Just sayin.

Twitter Thursday!

2010-01-07T11:59:00.000-08:00

It's time for the hot new crazy that's sweeping the...region. It's Twitter Thursday! I thought this was a slow week, until I started looking through my Twitter profile. I had quite a few thoughts that I thought were publishable, and I ended up with more this week than I did last week. Enjoy!

The holidays are over. Everyone can resume hating each other again in 3...2...1...9:45 AM Jan 1st from web
Horrendously politically incorrect thought of the day: Joe Paterno is my favorite dago.12:34 PM Jan 1st from txt
I want to buy a cow and name him Chairman Moo2:18 PM Jan 1st from txt
Penn State needs to get the momentum back.They could do it by challenging the LSU fans to an IQ test.2:47 PM Jan 1st from txt
LSU loses. This is shaping up to be a great new year.3:33 PM Jan 1st from txt
Oh, Edward Money, the years have not been kind to you.6:21 PM Jan 2nd from txt
"I'm Henry the VIII, I am. Henry the VIII, I am, I am." There! Now Herman's Hermits is stuck in your head. Enjoy the late Christmas present!12:21 AM Jan 3rd from web
And now Mark Brunell comes in for the Saints. I hope one of the assistant coaches TiVo'd Matlock for him or he might get cranky.12:07 PM Jan 3rd from txt
You know it's easy to question the patriotism of someone you disagree with...that's why I do it.6:39 PM Jan 3rd from txt
Why are they playing Pink Floyd this early on the radio? The stoners don't wake up until Noon.10:29 AM Jan 4th from txt
Man it's cold out there! Where's this global warming you promised us, Al Gore?C'mon Al, put up or shut up you nerd!6:01 PM Jan 4th from web
I'm seriously considering hibernating during winter from now on.9:26 PM Jan 5th from txt

Twitter Thursday!

2009-12-31T20:22:00.000-08:00

I'm introducing a semi-regular feature at I Don't Know You, But I Probably Don't Like You. As you may have guessed by the title (or by reading my thoughts if you work for the National Security Agency), it'll be called Twitter Thursday. The premise is simple. There are tons of funny things I think up that are too short to turn in to a worthwhile blog post. So, they end up on Twitter (which is essentially the blog's cutting room floor...Seriously, if this blog ever gets its own DVD, my Twitter account will be the "Deleted Scenes" menu). On Twitter Thursday, I'm going to take the 10/15 best tweets from the previous seven days and post them here. So, enjoy the inaugural episode of Twitter Thursday...and if you don't enjoy it, just lie to me.

Yeeeehaw! A new movie starring The Rock is comin' out! I can't wait to jump in my El Camino and get on down to the movin' picture show!

7:42 PM Dec 24th, 2009 from web
God bless the turkey that gave its life so that I might enjoy a tasty bird on Santa Claus's birthday.1:36 PM Dec 25th, 2009 from web
As much as I like to skirt the law, I also like to arbitrarily enforce it.9:50 PM Dec 26th, 2009 from txt
Chevy Chase calling someone "painfully unfunny." Now that's irony!8:07 PM Dec 27th, 2009 from txt
In my experience people with "No Fear" magnets and stickers on their vehicles are big cowards.8:46 AM Dec 28th, 2009 from txt
I don't know how to feel about a car dealership claiming that it's going to "Knock the bottom out" of high prices.11:48 AM Dec 28th, 2009 from txt
I hope The Blindside gets a "squeequal" too.6:40 PM Dec 28th, 2009 from web

NFL playoff scenarios are idiotic. The Saints get home field advantage if they win, the Vikings lose, and a Malaysian boy named Chi passes the 3rd grade10:36 PM Dec 28th, 2009 from web
And a movie can NOT be an American Movie Classic if it features Owen Wilson!about 7 hours ago from txt
I'd have a lot more respect for the "Green" movement if it didn't primarily consist of smelly people shouting slogans.about 1 hour ago from web
- Delete
.

BAH HUMBUG, B*TCHES!

2009-12-11T09:32:00.000-08:00

Man alive, do I HATE Christmas!!!! I'm sure there are those of you out there right now saying something like "Tisk, tisk. Someone's going to get a lump of coal in his stocking." Well, you know what? I hope I DO get a lump of coal in my stocking. Several, in fact. I'm going to use them to throw at people who tell me that I'm going to get a lump of col in my stocking because of my hatred of Christmas!

I needed to get that out there. Now that I have, I can calm down a little! I'm serious, though, when I say I hate the holidays: Everything from the fact that they happen during the crappiest season of the year, to the fact that in our overly PC society you're considered an intolerant, hate-filled, Attila the Hun Nazi if you dare use the word Christmas instead of "Holiday."

Two things I DON'T hate are a good list, and giving all of you something fun and timely to read. So, I thought I'd combine my dislike for this time of year with my love of lists and entertaining my tens of readers. So, here goes nothing:

Why I hate The Holidays: A List

1. I can't stand those radio stations that start playing Christmas music the day after Thanksgiving. Though, considering stores put Christmas decorations up the day after Halloween, I guess I should commend the radio stations for waiting so long to start playing that same horrendous Mariah Carey Christmas song 12 times a day!

2. Happy ChristmaChanuaKwanzaCa from the PC Police: What is it about Christmas that brings these loons out of the woodwork in such record numbers? I understand that this is a special time of year for people of many various religions, and I respect that. Yet, according to these idiots, you're the second coming of Adolph Hitler if you don't mention every single holiday that every single religious or ethnic group celebrates in December (up to, and including, the December births of Ryan Seacrest, and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin). It makes this time of year unbearable, and makes it very hard for me to wish anyone seasonal goodwill.

3. Merry Christmas from the Religious Tighta**es: For those of you who complain because your kids are singing Jingle Bell Rock instead of Away In A Manger in the annual Christmas play: Shut up! In the immortal words of Forest Gump, "That's all I have to say about that."

4. Shoppers From Hell: I go to Target to buy a few groceries and end up getting shoulder checked into a Sun Chips display rack by some crazy parent all jacked up on a Starbucks latte, and trying to make it to the toy aisle before they run out of the latest toy that their ungrateful kids MUST have! If I ran things, I'd force stores like Target and Wal-Mart to set up hours just for regular shoppers buying everyday things. No crazy Christmas shopping parents allowed.

5. The Weather! My God, The Weather! I'm not going to mince words here. Winter blows dead bear. Living in Louisiana, I probably don't have much of a right to complain about the temperature. It rarely dips below freezing around here, and it only snows once in a Blue Moon. Still, the weather down here is horrible during winter. As we speak, it's rained for the last several days. The skies have been slate gray since the weekend. How can you maintain a festive mood with weather like this? It makes me wish I lived down in Australia. They actually celebrate Christmas in summer...Of course with the good comes the bad. If I were from Australia, I'd have to put up with constant comments from foreigners like "It's a damn shame about that Croc Hunter, isn't it?" or "Do you know Paul Hogan?" And don't even get me STARTED about the constant dingo/baby jokes!

These are just a FEW of my least favorite things about the Christmas season. I may have more to say as we get closer to the big day. For now, though, I leave you with this: Bah HUMBUG!

With Apologies to Emerson

2009-12-01T08:30:00.000-08:00

In the great dome that survived the flood

Their flag to ‘N’Orleans’ Brees unfurled

Here once the embattled Patriots stood

And were flattened by the shot heard round the world.

The Irony Is You'd HAVE To Be Drunk To Want To...

2009-11-20T20:20:00.000-08:00

This is a pro-temperance poster from 1919. You know, I'll bet those chicks would have been a little more fun if someone had passed around a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Now I Just Need A Vodka Award, And I Can Have A Party!

2009-11-11T10:54:00.000-08:00

I feel like it's that last week of school. You know, the one where all the overachievers get rewarded for all their hard work? For the second time this week, I've been honored with an award!

This time, Nancy at f8hasit has given me the Lemonade Award. Anyone who wins the award must link back to the person they got the award from (check), and pass the award on to someone else.

1. Chris "Kuncklehead" Rushdie at Kuncklehead!. Whether complaining about shopping with his wife, or telling you about the sordid past of Cookie Monster, the Knucklehead will always make you laugh.

2. Raine at True Confessions Of A Single Mother. Being a single mom is tough, so I figured she could some lemonade!

3. Theresa at An Officer And A Garbage Can. She always has something interesting to say. Plus she's a fellow Tom Brady hater!

Now, go read these blogs and comment on them! Go! Go! Fly, my pretties!

Freedom Isn't Free. It Costs Folks Like You And Me.

2009-11-11T08:21:00.000-08:00

It's Veterans Day. I have a tremendous amount of respect for our military, and the men and women who wear our nation's uniform. Let's face it, though. They're being honored EVERYWHERE today (as well they should), and no one's going to notice one more blog honoring vets. So instead of writing a sappy tribute to those who defend our nation, I thought I'd focus on the forgotten veterans this Veterans day: The veterans of the Late Night Wars.

First up is the cringe worthy Chevy Chase Show! Remember when Chevy Chase was going to turn FOX into a latenight powerhose that could compete with The Tonight Show, and The Late Show? Remember how it was cancelled about 6 weeks later? To be exact, the show lasted from September 7-October 1, 1993. It was the magical autumn where America finally, and collectively came to the realization that Chevy Chase really just isn't funny. Your late night suckfest may have been universally panned, Chevy, but today we honor you: A late night wars veteran. For those of you who missed Chevy's show 16 years ago, here's a clip I found on Youtube.

One commenter of the above clip said "I'll never be clean again." Amen, brother!

Speaking of people who used to be funny: Whoopi Goldberg had her own syndicated talk show (The Whoopi Goldberg Show) from 1992-1993. I actually remember watching this one a couple of times as a kid. I thought Whoopi was funny, so naturally the show would be too, right? Oh how wrong I was. Check out this promo for her talk show. When just the commercial is capable of giving you a headache, you know the show had to be bad!

While the bullet-riddled corpse of your show may have been left to die in no-man's land nearly two decades ago, we haven't forgotten. Today we salute you, Whoopi: Another Late Night veteran.

Now, it's hard to make fun of Magic Johnson. Not only has he bravely battled HIV since the early 1990's, but he's also done so much great charity work over the years. You can't help but love and respect the guy...Until you watch a clip from The Magic Hour which ran for three glorious months in the summer of 1998. Unfortunately, the only clips of The Magic Hour I could find also feature the hideously annoying Howard Stern (who's starting to sound more and more like Alan Alda with each passing year). Sorry.

The only thing magical about The Magic Hour was how quickly his audience disappeared. However, who can resist that charming Magic Johnson laugh? Magic, today the flag flies for you, oh battle-hardened veteran of the Late Night Wars!

At one time, loud mouth radio personality Rush Limbaugh was so popular, that someone thought he should have his own tv show. Thus, in the fall of 1992, The Rush Limbaugh Show was born. It was a syndicated show that aired after the late local news in most markets. So, technically, it counts as a late night program. Here's a clip from the very first episode:

In the clip, Rush claims that his tv show will stay on the air until everyone agrees with him. The show went off the air in 1996. No doubt, you all remember that day well. It was the day that the last liberal on earth finally realized the error of his ways. Shortly after, Bill and Hillary Clinton were jailed in a newly reopened Alcatraz. Newt Gingrich became our king, then graciously abdicated the throne several months later when doctors successfully cloned Ronald Reagan. Now, peace, liberty, and Lee Greenwood songs flourish throughout our land! God Bless America! Thank you, Rush. You're a Late Night Wars veteran truly worthy of honor.

Remember a time back before people who pumped their fists in the air while yelling "WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!" were considered jackasses? If you do, then you probably watched The Arsenio Hall Show (1989-1994). He was the guy who was going to knock Johnny Carson out of the top spot and become the new King of Late Night. Yet the show was off the year only two years after Carson retired. After watching this clip of him eating cereal with PeeWee Herman, I can't help but wonder what went wrong.

Arsenio is just one more man who stormed the beaches of Late Nightdom in the 80's-90's. If you see him today (working the register at Home Depot, or whatever it is he does now to make a living), thank him on behalf of all Americans.

Finally, who could forget The Pat Sajack Show (1989-1990)? Yep, ole' Pat was so popular that CBS gave him a late night show. In the following clip, he interviews Colonel Klink from Hogan's Heroes. Amazingly, it doesn't look like Klink has aged since the 1960's. Also, if you watch Wheel of Fortune today, it doesn't look like Pat has aged since this was filmed.

The Freedom to watch tv isn't free, Pat. It takes the sacrifices of folks like you. That's why I'm proud to honor you today as a veteran of the Late Night Wars.

Join me next November when I salute the veterans of the Cola Wars.

Seriously, I appreciate everything our men and women in uniform, past and present, have done for us. Happy Veteran's Day.

The Most Rewarding Part Is When I'm Rewarded With An Award!

2009-11-09T16:21:00.000-08:00

Jackass, smartass, honkey, knothead, the world's greatest sex machine. That's just a few of the publishable names I've been called over the past 28 and a half years of my life (Ok, maybe I haven't been called that last one...yet. A boy can dream, though,can't he?)

Today, though, I was given a moniker that I can really be proud of:Knucklehead.

My blogger pal Chris Rushdie over at Knucklehead! has awarded me the Knucklehead! Post Of The Week. The winning post was
THIS post I made last night about the unfortunate end of Daylight Savings Time 2009.

Thanks for the recognition, Chris. I vow to pay it forward by giving back to the blogging community (Is there a blogging community center that needs repainting?).

Also, those of you who haven't done so, should check out Knucklehead! Support Chris's "Justice For Jim Varney" fight, and check out his "What Ever Happened To?" series.

Also...if you haven't done so yet, don't forget to recombobulate your clocks.

Kiss My Fall Backside!

2009-11-08T22:46:00.000-08:00

Ever since I was a kid, I looked forward to “Springing Forward.” It meant longer afternoon, and later sunsets. It meant I could spend more time outside doing things kids do (catching junebugs, burning ants with magnifying glasses, insider trading, mercenary work in Central America, etc). It was always a sure sign that summer (and the end of the school year) was just around the corner.

On the other hand, I always thought that “Falling Back” blew dead bear. It meant shorter afternoons. It meant that soon, the air would get colder. It meant that the school year was underway again. Falling back was a big ole’ basket of suck!

Now that I’m out of school, working hard, and looking 30 squarely in the eye (only a year and a half to go until that magical day), I still think falling back sucks. Things are different now. Instead of shorter days meaning less time to play outside, it means driving home in darkness (or duskness…Is that a word?).There’s nothing I love more after a hard day at work that having to drive home in the cold and the dark! It’s a real spirit lifter! Seriously! This is why more people kill themselves during the f**king winter!

I’ve spent my evenings this past week looking at my watch and being continually astonished that it’s only 6 or 7:00PM. “How the hell can it only be 7:00?” I ask myself. “It feels like it’s nearly 9:00! I’m astonished!” Since I'm alone when I ask this, there is no one there to answer me. That fact begs the question, why do I keep asking questions when there’s no one there to answer them? Maybe I’ve finally gone insane. That, however, is the topic for another blog (unless I’m put in a straight jacket and hauled away before then).

There’s another fly in the ointment of this whole time change nonsense. Sometime in the past few years, they changed the dates in which we spring forward and fall back. The change made Daylight Savings Time (or as I call it “The Good Time”) last for a longer period during the year. Now, back about 5 years ago, I bought a fancy new clock to keep on my nightstand. It has a radio, has the date and day on the digital display, and has the option to change the display to almost any color under the rainbow (the current color is green). Another feature (which was great at the time) was the one that would automatically set the clock either forward or backward one hour on the days in which DST was set to start and end. Now that DST has been extended, which now causes it to start and end on different dates, my fancy clock is completely discombobulated (and I fear it may never be combobulated again!). As a result, there’s at least one weekend in the spring and fall in which I wake up not knowing what the hell’s going on timewise!

This “Standard Time” is the tool of Satan! A quick, random Google search (I’ll be dead in the cold, cold ground before I use Bing) will demonstrate that I’m not alone in my hatred of falling back. Let’s petition Congress to do away with this vile practice, and keep Daylight Savings Time as our standard time all year. We can attach an amendment to the healthcare bill. We might as well get SOMETHING good out of that piece of crap!

…But that still won’t help recombobulate my clock.

Happy Halloween!

2009-10-31T07:28:00.000-07:00

We Know How To Cook...Probably Better Than You!

2009-10-27T21:19:00.000-07:00

I'm so sick of people on tv burning food, then claiming that it's "Cajun." We don't burn our food, you asses! We know better!

Judge Fudge's Annual Trek Down Hershey Highway

2009-10-27T21:16:00.000-07:00

I grew up in the country. We didn’t have any neighbors very close by. As a result, we never had any kids come to our front door for Halloween. In fact when my sister and I wanted to go trick or treating when we were kids, our parents would have to load us into the car, and take us to the nearby neighborhood. Thankfully, it was mostly family, and family friends that lived in the neighborhood nearest to our house. Not only did it mean our candy was safe, it pretty much guaranteed a good candy haul each year.

Anyway, I never experienced what it was like to have kids coming to the door every 10 minutes on All Hallow’s Eve. When I moved, I thought things would be different. In fact, I was looking forward to handing out candy to all the little ghosts, goblins, and Hannah Montanas that arrived at my door with treat bags. That first year, I bought candy, and even hung some fake spider webs up.

But, it turns out that no one comes HERE for Halloween either. I live closer to town. I’m not out in the sticks any more. Still, every Halloween, I’m sitting home by my lonesome shoveling down handfuls of fun size Kit Kats (and don’t even get me started on this “Fun Size” bulls*it! That’s the topic for a different day.).

After that first year, though, I came to two realizations:

1. 1I like candy

2. 2I hate kids.

To be completely honest, things could not have worked out any better for me. Now, I go to CVS in October and cash in on all the sweet Halloween candy deals. I fill the pantry with tiny chocolate bars, and I don’t have to share it with anyone! All the sweet, chocolaty, teeth rotting goodness is for me!

Hey…Why do you think I call myself Judge Fudge?

Finally, It's Everyone Else's Team That Stinks!

2009-10-10T06:40:00.001-07:00

I can remember the first time I ever watched the Saints play. It was about 1988 or 1989 around Christmas. I was helping my parents decorate the tree, and watching New Orleans play the San Francisco 49ers. I had absolutely no idea what was going on, but I did know two things:

1. The Saints were Louisiana's team

2. They usually lost

I paid attention to the game as best as any 7 (or possibly 8) year old can. Naturally, the Saints lost. It was more than just a game, though. It was the beginning of a love affair between me and a football team that over the years has sent me (and thousands of others) on a roller coaster ride of emotions.

After the worst season in recent memory in 2005, a season that saw them playing in the Alamo Dome in San Antonio and LSU's Tiger Stadium, the Saints returned to New Orleans in 2006. With a new quarterback, new coach and a new attitude (now that Patti LeBelle song is going to be stuck in your head all day...You're welcome), the Saints went on to have a season that almost brought them to the Super Bowl (Screw the damn Chicago Bears!).

After a couple of tough seasons, the Saints are on a roll again. With a great new defense and an explosive offense, our boys in black and gold have been unstoppable. For the first time since 1993, they've started with a 4-0 record.

This Sunday, they'll face the toughest opponent they've faced so far this season: The New York football Giants (as Howard Cosell used to say). They're undefeated so far this year too.

I don't know what'll happen. I'm confident that if anyone can beat the Giants, though, it's my Saints. So, bring 'em to the Dome, baby!

Obama Awarded Nobel Prize, Heisman Trophy, And Best Actor In A Comedy Series

2009-10-09T07:28:00.000-07:00

A slightly more serious blog today. Mainly because today's news angried up the blood, and gave me a kick in the comedy testicles. Ok, what the f**k?! What the F**KING F**K?! I wake up in the morning, and learn that while I was sleeping President Barack Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

SERIOUSLY?

Color me clueless, but I thought you actually had to DO something to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Dr. Martin Luther King put his life on the line every day by fighting hatred, ignorance and intolerance. Teddy Roosevelt (the first American to win the prize) negotiated the Treaty of Portsmouth which ended a devastating war between Russia and Japan. Even Al Gore put together that little Power Point presentation about global warming.

What has Barack Obama done to deserve this award? Especially considering that the deadline to be nominated was February 1 of this year (roughly two weeks after the prez took office). Don't get me wrong, he may very well deserve it one day. He definitely didn't deserve to win it today, though.

Here are a couple of other nominees from this year. Note that they've actually done things:

Chinese dissident Hu Jia who has risked life and limb to promote the cause of human rights in China. He has fought for the release of Chinese political prisoners, and is often arrested (on charges such as "subverting state authority"...Nice and Orwellian, is it not?) for taking on one of the most corrupt governments on the planet. He is currently in prison in China serving a three year, six month sentence. His wife reports that malnutrition and inadequate care is causing him to waste away.

Former Columbian Senator and Presidential Candidate Ingrid Betancourt, who was held captive for 6 and a half years by the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Columbia (a pro-leftist guerrilla group). She was kidnapped in February 2002 while campaigning for the Columbian presidency as the Green Party candidate. A candidate who was harshly critical of FARC and who fought to bring peace to that extremely violent country, she campaigned in FARC controlled providences after being told it was not safe to do so. After her rescue in 2008, Ingrid said she still aspired to serve the people of Columbia as president, even if it meant risking another kidnapping.

I don't know why Ms. Betancourt didn't win, but THIS news story from back February opines that Jia might not be selected because the Nobel Prize committee doesn't want to anger Beijing. Well, we can't have THAT now can we?

Maybe we should award the Nobel committee the No Balls Prize.

Instead, they went with a popular choice. They went with someone can draw crowds and get attention. They chose the Hannah Montana of international politics.

Nevermind that he heads a government that, just yesterday, tried to blow up the frickin' moon!

Whether I like it or not, our president has a Nobel Peace Prize. I just hope that over the next few years, he does something to live up to all of the hype.

I'm also proud to announce that The Office won the Nobel Prize for Best Comedy Series, 24 Won the Nobel Prize for Best Drama, and the guy who plays Dr. House won the Nobel Prize for Best Fake American Accent.

My Strange Icelandic Journey To Find TV Shows That Don't Suck

2009-10-01T15:31:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, there was a tv show called Coach. It was about the life of Hayden Fox (Craig T. Nelson), who coached the fictional Minnesota State Screaming Eagles football team. It followed Coach Fox, his girlfriend (later wife) Christine, and his assistant coaches Luther Van Dam (played by Jerry Van Dyke, the funnier Van Dyke brother), and Michael “Dauber” Dybinski (who now does the voice of a starfish on some little-known cartoon involving sponges).

I was probably a little too young to watch a sitcom intended for adults, but who cares! I turned out to be pretty well-adjusted in the long run. When the show ended in 1997 I was 16, so it was a moot point by then.

Anyway, the show was great, and I really enjoyed it. One the rare occasion that I was off during weekdays, I would watch Coach on the USA Network (“characters welcomed”). It was always a pleasant surprise to see it playing in the middle of the day as I channel surfed.

Earlier this week, I thought it would be fun to watch a couple of episodes of this great show. As I usually do when I want to watch a great older sitcom, I turned to the internet. There are great, legal, websites like HULU and In2tv where people can find full episodes of classic television shows. I scoured the Google search results, but didn’t have any luck finding episodes online (legally or otherwise).

Naturally!

Since I didn’t have any luck finding it online, I decided that I would crack the wallet open and buy a season or two of Coach on DVD. After a quick search, I found that the first three seasons have been released for retail sale. It shouldn’t be too hard to find locally, right?

I went to the Wal-Mart website, and did a search. Apparently, there are no seasons of Coach sold in Wal-Mart stores locally.

Strike One…Or Second and Long if we’re going to stay loyal to Coach’s football theme.

So, I thought I’d try old, faithful Best Buy. I did a quick search, and there are no Best Buy stores within a 100 mile radius that sell the show on DVD.

Third and Long.

I decided if I wanted to find my DVD’s, this horse would have to lead himself to the water. After work on Tuesday, I went down to the retail district. Since Best Buy is right in the middle of everything, I figured I’d pop in there just to double check whether or not the internet search results were correct. They were. They had just about everything ELSE on DVD, but not Coach…Oh, and they had books too! Best Buy had books! I could buy a copy of the latest conspiracy theory pabulum crapped out by Dan Brown, but I couldn’t find the TV show I was looking for!

I was informed, however, that I could purchase all three available seasons at Bestbuy.com

Yeah. I dragged by ass across town, during the afternoon rush hour and after a day of work, to a busy retail store so I could buy the f**king thing online!

Fourth Down

Speaking of books, my next stop was Barnes and Noble. Sure, Barnes and Noble inflates their movie prices by about 700 percent (seriously, anyone who buys music or movies at Barnes and Noble, is either stupid or desperate…I’m both), but sometimes it’s worth it. B&N happens to be just two doors down from Best Buy (with a Pep Boys conveniently sandwiched betwixt them), and its music and movie section usually has DVD’s that can’t normally be found elsewhere. Surely THEY would have at least one of the three seasons of Coach that have been released on DVD!

Nope…And don’t call me Shirley.

For the record, this would have been Fifth Down if such a thing existed.

Barnes and Noble had a s*itload of ALF on the shelves. They had programs that only lasted one season (or not even that). They had British sitcoms on DVD. They even had According To Jim for Christ’s sake! Yet, they didn’t have any Coach.

It’s ok, though. I was informed that I could buy all three seasons available for sale at BN.com.

These damn retail stores are keeping their stock o’ stuff in warehouses for online sale. Yet, websites like eBay are opening up retail outlets to keep the stock o’ stuff they have for sale.

I’m starting to think it’s all part of a massive Freemason, Vatican, Illuminati conspiracy to piss me off!

Maybe I should call Dan Brown. I can help him crap out another book.

You Might Be A Redneck

2009-09-24T20:30:00.000-07:00

So, I stop by mom and pop's house this evening. Mom had been to the grocery store a little while before. I noticed her shopping list on the kitchen table, and glanced at it. At the very top was the following phrase (I swear I'm not making this up):

"Look for NASCAR shot glass."

*Sniff* I'm SO proud.

Survey Of The Worst Songs Ever

2009-09-18T11:00:00.000-07:00

You all know about bad songs. You’ll be at home or in your car, and THAT song will come on. Now there are plenty of songs that we tune out when we hear them. Unless it’s a song we really love, or something we’ve never heard before, chances are the songs on the radio are just background music.

However, there are those special songs. Those songs that we love to hear on the radio just so we can hit the SCAN button as hard as possible. Because, after all, how will the radio know that it has dissatisfied us with sub-par music unless we stab its buttons with a force only commonly used at home when trying to eradicate Rosie O’Donnell from our TV screens? They’re the songs that we love to hate.

We all have those songs that we absolutely hate. Especially me. It’s a little bit harder for me to choose, though, because I despise pretty much every song that was recorded after 1997 or so. Here are just a few of my least favorite:

1. My Heart Will Go On Celine Dion

I know it's really popular to dislike Celine Dion. That's why I do it.

2. Horse With No Name America

Christ do I dispise you, Neil Young, you stupid Canadian* hippy asshole!

3. The Year 2525 Zager and Evans

In the year 2525, if man is still alive, if woman can survive, this song will still be a nihilistic suckfest that will make someone with even the sunniest disposition want to take a swandive off of a skyscraper.

4. Still The One Shania Twain

Shania Twain made millions of dollars by completely blurring the line between country/western music and crappy, overproduced late-1990's pop. Thanks a lot!

5. Achy Breaky Heart Billy Ray Cyrus

If it were possible for Wal-Mart to have a national anthem, this would be it.

Now, these aren’t my top 5. They’re the first 5 that I found myself able to make funny comments about.

I've decided to conduct a reader survey. Leave a comment here telling me what you think some of the worst songs of all time are. You can nominate one or more than one, but be sure and explain in a short sentence or two why you hate each song you nominate. Then, I'll post a new blog listing the songs you nominate. Basically, I'm trying to stretch this bad song thing into another blog, but I'm going to make you do the bulk of the work.

*No offense to any other Canadians. Just Neil Young.

My Eclectic Music Taste

2009-08-04T16:51:00.000-07:00

I don't really have anything funny or interesting enough to write about this evening. So, your consolation prize is a look at my eclectic taste in music.

TV Land Is Now TV Bland

2009-08-02T11:32:00.000-07:00

I used to love TV Land. I remember when the network first launched in 1996. I stayed home all day and watched all the cool old sitcoms, dramas, and variety shows that I had only heard about from my parents. When all the network shows were trying to be poorly-written rehashes of Friends, Seinfeld, and Melrose Place it was refreshing to see something well-written rather than just a bunch of catch phrases strung together into a 22 minute crapfest of a show.

Then, TV Land started to change things up about 3 or 4 years ago. They started weeding out the great sitcoms from the era known as the "Golden Age" of tv, and started airing shows from the 1990's and 2000's (commonly known as the "Worthless Bulls**t Age" of tv). They dubbed these sitcoms "Modern Classics." Now, even though I would lament the loss of great 60's sitcoms, I could tolerate real modern classics that you never see anymore (something like Cheers). Yet what TV Land airs are cheap shows that are easy to acquire the rights to; shows that can be seen in 2 hour blocks every afternoon on TBS, or on any local station between the local news and the prime time line-up. Do you consider Just Shoot Me (a show no one watched when it was airing every week on NBC, and was lucky to have limped through the few seasons that it limped through) a Modern Classic?

Well, the Modern Classics nonsense is bad, but at least TV Land had not stooped to airing reality shows.

All that changed a year and a half ago when TV Land, in an effort to draw in that 25-54 demographic (that's IQ points, not age), started airing crap like High School Reunion, and She's Got The Look. You know the plots of these shows, because they're like every the plots of every banal, worthless reality show: A bunch of self-centered 30 and 40-somethings put aised their families and responsibilities for a few weeks for their 15 minutes of fame.

It gets worse. This spring, TV Land rolled out a new reality show called The Cougar. The show, as far as I can tell, is about a horny, self-centered 40 year old woman who tries to catch as many venereal diseases as possible from equally horny, and self-centered 20 year old boys.

Oh, and I almost forgot the other great shows TV Land aired a few years ago:Mr. T's I Pity The Fool, where Mr. T. Travels around the country, you guessed it...Pitying fools! There was also the great show Family Foreman, starring George Foreman and his 750 sons...Also named George. I guess people just aren't buying those grills like they used to.

There was also another great show in which poor, frail Bea Arthur was forced to be a substitute teacher for a day (because...see...that was her job on Golden Girls, and they thought it would be wacky to take this poor elderly woman who looked like the Crypt Keeper, and put her doing the job her former tv character did). This could be a great idea if it was executed properly (like forcing William Shatner to fly the space shuttle, or having Bob Newhart give psychological advice)...but I digress.

Speaking of people who look like the Crypt Keeper, TV Land is now hawking an upcoming show called How'd You Get So Rich starring Joan Rivers. After all, who DOESN'T love Joan Rivers! From what I can understand, the show features Joan Rivers running around and talking to rich people about how they got so rich, and how absolutely fabulous it is to be rich! Now, I'm watching!

Joan Rivers Moments Before Her Most Recent Plastic Surgery

And they wonder why people are abandoning tv and turning to the internet for entertainment.

If He'd Ever Had My Vote, He Would Have Lost It Now

2009-07-30T09:23:00.000-07:00

I agree, Mr. President. Being drunk DEFINITELY makes your healthcare plan more palatable.

Unless you're living under a rock, you've heard the saga of the black Harvard professor who was locked out of his house and allegedly got belligerent with police when they were called in to investigate...which led to the professor's arrest. Things escalated last week when the president commented on the situation, and invited the professor and arresting officer to the White House for a frosty beer and a pow-wow.

That'll be happening in about 6 hours from now, by the way.

Now, I'm no fan of the president. His politics and mine are like oil and water...or, more aptly, liberal and conservative. As a long-time beer fan, however, I was intrigued to hear that the president invited these guys for a beer rather than a glass of wine, or a latte. For all the faults that I think President Obama may have, I thought it was pretty cool that he was a guy that could kick back with a good beer.

So, a day or so ago, the White House Press Office released the drink menu for the "Beer Summit." Dr. Henry Gates, the arrestee (for lack of a better term), will probably be drinking Red Stripe (a Jamaican beer). I've tried Red Stripe before, and wasn't very impressed with it. Sgt. Crowley, the arresting officer, will be drinking Blue Moon. I've had Blue Moon too. The flavor has a hint of pine in it. It's what I've always imagined Pine-Sol might taste like. Translation: Blue Moon tastes like crap.

What beer will our president be drinking? He's a pretty sophisticated guy, right? With that in mind, I thought that maybe Barry O would choose something like Sam Adams, Killians, Fordham, or National Bohemian (brewed down the road from the White House in Baltimore). Nope. What kind of suds will the prez be swilling this evening? Bud Lite.

Bud Lite? Seriously?

Keep in mind, I'm no beer snob. I've had them all over the years, even a few Budweisers. However, when you can have a great tasting beer owned and brewed by an American company like Sam Adams, why drink something that tastes slightly worse that horse urine and is brewed by a Belgian company? That's right! Budweiser is no longer American-owned. It's owned by a bunch of smelly Europeans (more specifically, a company known as InBev)!

Even members of the president's own party are criticizing the choice. According to the Boston Globe, Congressman Richard Neal (D-MA), sent a letter to the president suggesting that Sam Adams be served.

So why did the president choose the less than impressive Bud Lite? Maybe because, despite the change of ownership, Bud is still the most popular beer in America; maybe the most popular worldwide. Drinking the "King Of Beers" could be a great way to appeal to all those folks who perceive Obama as an "elitist." Or maybe he's trying to appeal to the Christian Right. After all, even Jesus drinks Bud.

I'm On The TV!!! (Don't Blink, Or You'll Miss Me)

2009-07-17T16:05:00.000-07:00

Yep, I'm a tv star now. My company had its grand opening in town this week, and the local news came out to see us. I'm on for a fraction of a second at 0:22 in the report. I'm in the suit, holding the water bottle and wearing the sunglasses. I'm bound to be discovered now! If you're lucky, I'll remember you after I move to Hollywood.

Now He's Shouting Slogans At Angels

2009-06-30T22:17:00.000-07:00

They say celebs die in threes. Leave it to Billy Mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

In all honesty, I think I'll miss Billy Mays more than Kid Toucher and Nip Slip (MJ, and Farrah) combined.

PS. Is it time to rename this blog "The Blog Of Death"? This is the second death related post in a row.

Michael Jackson Dead

2009-06-25T17:09:00.000-07:00

Rest in peace, Freak-A-Zoid

Hey...I can't be 100% serious!

Someone Thinks I'm Good At Stuff

2009-06-11T19:37:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Chrissy, I've been nominated for the Kreativ Blogger Award. No, I didn't get hit over the head really, really hard. That's how the name of the award is actually spelled. As with any high office, responsibility comes with the honor of being selected. I have to put a Kreativ Blogger logo in my blog. I've done that. I have to tell everyone 7 things I love. You'll be able to find that below. I also have to nominate 7 other people for the award. The sad truth is, though , that most of the people I follow have already been nominated. So I'll nominate the ones I can right now, and hold an "application process" to see who gets the rest of the nominations. So, start your ass kissing now!

7 Things I Love

1. The Simpsons

2. My GPS navigator

3. My friends and family

4. Samuel Adams (the beer, not the dude...but the dude's pretty cool too)

5. Just about any movie with Denzel Washington

6. Peace and quiet

7. Anything written by either Dave Barry or Jack Handey

And The Nominees Are...

...and now I'm a grownup

Journey And Adventure

Five more nominations to go. Will YOUR blog be one of the next five nominees? Make checks payable to Judge Fudge. Email me to find out where to send the checks.

I Can't Drive 05

2009-06-08T20:49:00.000-07:00

I used to have a job that was only about 15 minutes from my home. It was great. I could leave my house 20 minutes before work, and still get there with 5 minutes to spare. The short commute was one of the reasons that I really loved that job. All great things must come to an end, though, and I was laid off from that job last year. I've been working at my new job for most of 2009. This job is great, but it comes with a 35 minute commute into and across the city of Lafayette.

After experiencing several months of the way things operate on the roads in Lafayette, I've come to the conclusion that there is one of two things happening:

1.) The city hates its residents.

2.) This city is being run by dickweeds.

Yeah, I know...I'm a deep thinker. Aristotle had nothing on me.

What brought me to such highbrow conclusions? Traffic gridlock.

"C'mon," you're saying, "every city has traffic."

To you I say "C'mon" is not a word, and you should be ashamed of such flagrant misuse of the apostrophe!

True, every city has traffic...Especially on its roads. What makes the city of Lafayette unique is that it seems to go out of its way to prolong traffic congestion and frustrate the mother-loving bejeezus out of guys like me!

Example: The city has, for the last 5 weeks or so, randomly shut down lanes of highway traffic and/or street traffic during morning and afternoon rush hours. Why do they do it? They are, I kid you not, repainting the little lines on the road.

DURING F**KING RUSH HOUR!!!!!!!!!

One day, I saw a lane blocked off while a couple of guys pried off those little reflective light thingies from the road. Last week, traffic was being redirected while three First Grade flunk outs swept the highway with pushbrooms.

They were sweeping the highway with pushbrooms.

Sweeping it.

With pushbrooms!

We're traveling at 5 miles per hour in one lane of traffic so that they can make the road look pretty?

That's frustrating. I think everyone can agree with me on that. Hell, though, at least the street is being blocked off for a purpose. There's nothing worse than a street with dirt on it, or a street where all those little lines are faded. At least those guys are working at something.

What really makes me mad is a certain road in town that's always blocked off with those big, orange candy corn cones, or barriers that say LANE CLOSED. Yet, when average folks like me crawl by, deftly avoiding all the dullards that are trying to swerve into the one open lane at the last minute (Seriously, if you're dumb enough to wait until you're right in front of the big flashing arrow before you try to merge into the one good lane, you deserved to be ignored), you see absolutely no one working on the blocked off lanes.

Maybe these guys work at night. If that's true, though, then why don't they schedule line painting, road sweeping, and reflective light thingy prying for nights too?

Will things ever change? Can guys like me complain enough to the city government to make things change? Is that thing on the top of my head growing?

These are questions I can't answer. I do know one thing, though. Commuting would be a lot more relaxing if we were allowed to drink beer while driving.

Greed Is Good (Not Really)

2009-06-02T17:10:00.000-07:00

I'm a straight guy, but I've got no problem with gay people. I do have a problem with bisexuals, however. Come on! You're just being greedy! Save some for the rest of us.

Blog Droppings

2009-05-31T07:03:00.000-07:00

Things I could probably extend into full-length blogs if I had enough booze.

Man Vs. Beast

If I could punch just one species of animal in the face, it would probably be a dingo.

Planet Of The Apes

A world ruled by monkeys? Impossible! I mean, I could see a world where they have voting rights, but absolute rule? No thank you, sir!

Jolly Good Intercourse, Love!

Wouldn't Sir Loin be a great name for a British Porn Star?

Sucka!

Would Mr. T pity me as a fool if I told him I didn't really care for The A Team?

Reach Into Bob's $500 Pocket And Claim Your Prize!

Bob Barker admits that he was once asked to do porn. Gives a new meaning to the game "Hole In One, or Two."

Check The Stats

The truth is that thirty-six percent of all statistics are made up. Sixty-four percent of the population realizes that.

Who Turned Out The Lights?

It's a shame that Stevie Wonder will never live to see an African-American president.

Tune Out, Turn Off, Etc, Etc.

When did the History Channel become the "Truck Driver, And lumberjack Channel"? Also, when did the History Channel start to suck?

The Following People Need A Good Cock-Punching

2009-05-21T21:38:00.000-07:00

About about 8 years ago, there was an "infographic" piece in the satirical newspaper The Onion that listed people who, as they put it, "Need A Good Cock-Punching." You can find that piece HERE. I thought it was a pretty funny piece, and a pretty good idea (face it, we all know someone famous or in our everyday lives who could use a punch to the cock). So, my friends and I, back when we first read the newspaper piece, came up with our own lists. Every now and then, I like to update my list. So, without further adieu, here's the list of people that I feel need a good cock-punchin' (4th edition).

1. Ossama bin Laden (retains his number one position for the fourth time in a row)
2. Senator *shudder* Al Franken
3. Simon Cowell (actually anyone associated with the abomination known as American Idol, and who has a penis, deserves to be punched)
4. The guy who plays JD on Scrubs
5. Keith Olbermann
6. Hillary Clinton (Come on! She has one!)
7. Sean Penn
8. Drew Peterson
9. Kate from Jon And Kate Plus 8 (see: Hillary Clinton)
10.Tie between Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, and Jimmy Fallon