Saturday, October 31, 2009

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

We Know How To Cook...Probably Better Than You!

I'm so sick of people on tv burning food, then claiming that it's "Cajun." We don't burn our food, you asses! We know better!

Judge Fudge's Annual Trek Down Hershey Highway

I grew up in the country. We didn’t have any neighbors very close by. As a result, we never had any kids come to our front door for Halloween. In fact when my sister and I wanted to go trick or treating when we were kids, our parents would have to load us into the car, and take us to the nearby neighborhood. Thankfully, it was mostly family, and family friends that lived in the neighborhood nearest to our house. Not only did it mean our candy was safe, it pretty much guaranteed a good candy haul each year.

Anyway, I never experienced what it was like to have kids coming to the door every 10 minutes on All Hallow’s Eve. When I moved, I thought things would be different. In fact, I was looking forward to handing out candy to all the little ghosts, goblins, and Hannah Montanas that arrived at my door with treat bags. That first year, I bought candy, and even hung some fake spider webs up.

But, it turns out that no one comes HERE for Halloween either. I live closer to town. I’m not out in the sticks any more. Still, every Halloween, I’m sitting home by my lonesome shoveling down handfuls of fun size Kit Kats (and don’t even get me started on this “Fun Size” bulls*it! That’s the topic for a different day.).

After that first year, though, I came to two realizations:

1. 1I like candy

2. 2I hate kids.

To be completely honest, things could not have worked out any better for me. Now, I go to CVS in October and cash in on all the sweet Halloween candy deals. I fill the pantry with tiny chocolate bars, and I don’t have to share it with anyone! All the sweet, chocolaty, teeth rotting goodness is for me!

Hey…Why do you think I call myself Judge Fudge?

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Finally, It's Everyone Else's Team That Stinks!

I can remember the first time I ever watched the Saints play. It was about 1988 or 1989 around Christmas. I was helping my parents decorate the tree, and watching New Orleans play the San Francisco 49ers. I had absolutely no idea what was going on, but I did know two things:

1. The Saints were Louisiana's team

2. They usually lost

I paid attention to the game as best as any 7 (or possibly 8) year old can. Naturally, the Saints lost. It was more than just a game, though. It was the beginning of a love affair between me and a football team that over the years has sent me (and thousands of others) on a roller coaster ride of emotions.

After the worst season in recent memory in 2005, a season that saw them playing in the Alamo Dome in San Antonio and LSU's Tiger Stadium, the Saints returned to New Orleans in 2006. With a new quarterback, new coach and a new attitude (now that Patti LeBelle song is going to be stuck in your head all day...You're welcome), the Saints went on to have a season that almost brought them to the Super Bowl (Screw the damn Chicago Bears!).

After a couple of tough seasons, the Saints are on a roll again. With a great new defense and an explosive offense, our boys in black and gold have been unstoppable. For the first time since 1993, they've started with a 4-0 record.

This Sunday, they'll face the toughest opponent they've faced so far this season: The New York football Giants (as Howard Cosell used to say). They're undefeated so far this year too.

I don't know what'll happen. I'm confident that if anyone can beat the Giants, though, it's my Saints. So, bring 'em to the Dome, baby!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Obama Awarded Nobel Prize, Heisman Trophy, And Best Actor In A Comedy Series

A slightly more serious blog today. Mainly because today's news angried up the blood, and gave me a kick in the comedy testicles. Ok, what the f**k?! What the F**KING F**K?! I wake up in the morning, and learn that while I was sleeping President Barack Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.


Color me clueless, but I thought you actually had to DO something to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Dr. Martin Luther King put his life on the line every day by fighting hatred, ignorance and intolerance. Teddy Roosevelt (the first American to win the prize) negotiated the Treaty of Portsmouth which ended a devastating war between Russia and Japan. Even Al Gore put together that little Power Point presentation about global warming.

What has Barack Obama done to deserve this award? Especially considering that the deadline to be nominated was February 1 of this year (roughly two weeks after the prez took office). Don't get me wrong, he may very well deserve it one day. He definitely didn't deserve to win it today, though.

Here are a couple of other nominees from this year. Note that they've actually done things:

Chinese dissident Hu Jia who has risked life and limb to promote the cause of human rights in China. He has fought for the release of Chinese political prisoners, and is often arrested (on charges such as "subverting state authority"...Nice and Orwellian, is it not?) for taking on one of the most corrupt governments on the planet. He is currently in prison in China serving a three year, six month sentence. His wife reports that malnutrition and inadequate care is causing him to waste away.

Former Columbian Senator and Presidential Candidate Ingrid Betancourt, who was held captive for 6 and a half years by the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Columbia (a pro-leftist guerrilla group). She was kidnapped in February 2002 while campaigning for the Columbian presidency as the Green Party candidate. A candidate who was harshly critical of FARC and who fought to bring peace to that extremely violent country, she campaigned in FARC controlled providences after being told it was not safe to do so. After her rescue in 2008, Ingrid said she still aspired to serve the people of Columbia as president, even if it meant risking another kidnapping.

I don't know why Ms. Betancourt didn't win, but THIS news story from back February opines that Jia might not be selected because the Nobel Prize committee doesn't want to anger Beijing. Well, we can't have THAT now can we?

Maybe we should award the Nobel committee the No Balls Prize.

Instead, they went with a popular choice. They went with someone can draw crowds and get attention. They chose the Hannah Montana of international politics.

Nevermind that he heads a government that, just yesterday, tried to blow up the frickin' moon!

Whether I like it or not, our president has a Nobel Peace Prize. I just hope that over the next few years, he does something to live up to all of the hype.

I'm also proud to announce that The Office won the Nobel Prize for Best Comedy Series, 24 Won the Nobel Prize for Best Drama, and the guy who plays Dr. House won the Nobel Prize for Best Fake American Accent.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

My Strange Icelandic Journey To Find TV Shows That Don't Suck

When I was a kid, there was a tv show called Coach. It was about the life of Hayden Fox (Craig T. Nelson), who coached the fictional Minnesota State Screaming Eagles football team. It followed Coach Fox, his girlfriend (later wife) Christine, and his assistant coaches Luther Van Dam (played by Jerry Van Dyke, the funnier Van Dyke brother), and Michael “Dauber” Dybinski (who now does the voice of a starfish on some little-known cartoon involving sponges).

I was probably a little too young to watch a sitcom intended for adults, but who cares! I turned out to be pretty well-adjusted in the long run. When the show ended in 1997 I was 16, so it was a moot point by then.

Anyway, the show was great, and I really enjoyed it. One the rare occasion that I was off during weekdays, I would watch Coach on the USA Network (“characters welcomed”). It was always a pleasant surprise to see it playing in the middle of the day as I channel surfed.

Earlier this week, I thought it would be fun to watch a couple of episodes of this great show. As I usually do when I want to watch a great older sitcom, I turned to the internet. There are great, legal, websites like HULU and In2tv where people can find full episodes of classic television shows. I scoured the Google search results, but didn’t have any luck finding episodes online (legally or otherwise).


Since I didn’t have any luck finding it online, I decided that I would crack the wallet open and buy a season or two of Coach on DVD. After a quick search, I found that the first three seasons have been released for retail sale. It shouldn’t be too hard to find locally, right?

I went to the Wal-Mart website, and did a search. Apparently, there are no seasons of Coach sold in Wal-Mart stores locally.

Strike One…Or Second and Long if we’re going to stay loyal to Coach’s football theme.

So, I thought I’d try old, faithful Best Buy. I did a quick search, and there are no Best Buy stores within a 100 mile radius that sell the show on DVD.

Third and Long.

I decided if I wanted to find my DVD’s, this horse would have to lead himself to the water. After work on Tuesday, I went down to the retail district. Since Best Buy is right in the middle of everything, I figured I’d pop in there just to double check whether or not the internet search results were correct. They were. They had just about everything ELSE on DVD, but not Coach…Oh, and they had books too! Best Buy had books! I could buy a copy of the latest conspiracy theory pabulum crapped out by Dan Brown, but I couldn’t find the TV show I was looking for!

I was informed, however, that I could purchase all three available seasons at

Yeah. I dragged by ass across town, during the afternoon rush hour and after a day of work, to a busy retail store so I could buy the f**king thing online!

Fourth Down

Speaking of books, my next stop was Barnes and Noble. Sure, Barnes and Noble inflates their movie prices by about 700 percent (seriously, anyone who buys music or movies at Barnes and Noble, is either stupid or desperate…I’m both), but sometimes it’s worth it. B&N happens to be just two doors down from Best Buy (with a Pep Boys conveniently sandwiched betwixt them), and its music and movie section usually has DVD’s that can’t normally be found elsewhere. Surely THEY would have at least one of the three seasons of Coach that have been released on DVD!

Nope…And don’t call me Shirley.

For the record, this would have been Fifth Down if such a thing existed.

Barnes and Noble had a s*itload of ALF on the shelves. They had programs that only lasted one season (or not even that). They had British sitcoms on DVD. They even had According To Jim for Christ’s sake! Yet, they didn’t have any Coach.

It’s ok, though. I was informed that I could buy all three seasons available for sale at

These damn retail stores are keeping their stock o’ stuff in warehouses for online sale. Yet, websites like eBay are opening up retail outlets to keep the stock o’ stuff they have for sale.

I’m starting to think it’s all part of a massive Freemason, Vatican, Illuminati conspiracy to piss me off!

Maybe I should call Dan Brown. I can help him crap out another book.