Saturday, April 2, 2011

Random Quotes

With the return of my blog comes a new semi-regular feature: Random Quotes. These are quotes from my best buddy Bobby and me when we get together during our off time. Keep in mind, these quotes are often alcohol induced.

"Hosni Mubarak's love humus"-Me

"It's the new STD beer: Herpenbach."-Bobby

"F**K John Quincy Adams!"-Me

"Major Mapleleaf is everything you would expect a Canadian superhero to be: Terrible."-Bobby

"How DARE you pray for me! Take that back!"-Me

"You're like Comic Book Guy, except for football!"-Bobby

"I took your idea, had sex with it, and made a baby called 'Fun.'"-Bobby

"I was ready to punch someone before I even got out of my car this morning."-Me

Welcome Back

Like a husband who crawls back to his wife after he gets tired of the sexy, young chippy he was dating, I've returned. I'm sorry. Can I move back into the house?

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Ladies And Gentlemen, Judge Fudge Has Left The Building!

Since I know you all hang on my every word, you've probably wondering where I've been this summer. The truth is that I've decided to move on to bigger and better things in the blogging world. I've had a lot of fun here on Blogspot and I don't plan to delete this blog. However, I've decided to move to I Don't Know You, But I Probably Don't Like You 2.0 on Wordpress. Stop by and say hi. Don't worry. Since I know you all crave my feedback, I'll still stop by here and read/comment on your latest updates. For now, though, I'll see you 'round the Blog-O-Sphere.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Man Vs Nature: The Road To Victory II

I can't believe that it's been exactly one month since I've posted anything on here. Yet, I come here with grave news. You may remember a few months back when I reported on snakes learning to smoke cigarettes. I said that it was a disturbing sign that animals were working to replace us at the top of earth's hierarchy.

Many of you wrote me off as crazy.

Because you all turned your backs and ignored my warnings, the diabolical plans of these evil animals have continued unabated. How do I know? I was lucky enough to obtain disturbing visual evidence of ongoing talks between mammals and crustaceans.

That's right: A Cat-Crayfish alliance!

Representatives from the mammal and crustacean world, Buggs the cat and Mr. Crawdaddy the crayfish, seal the historic agreement with a paw/claw shake while Buggs' bodyguard Smokey scans the perimeter.

Man's war against nature will not be won by sitting on the sidelines. Join the fight! You're either with us or against us!

Sunday, April 18, 2010

My Own Personal Love Triangle

Dear Blog,

I have to make this quick. I think my Twitter page is on to us.


Judge Fudge

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Twitter Thursday...An Hour Early (Or A Week Late If You're One Of Those Glass Half-Empty Dicks!)

Last week, I didn't post Twitter Thursday. I just haven't haven't tweeting quite as much lately. So, I waited until this week for a Super Deluxe version of T.T. (which is what all the cool kids are calling Twitter Thursday, now).

I believe in you. I just know you'll fail.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Always Look For The Ring First, Gentlemen.

I recently read an article in the New York Post (which I don’t make a habit of reading, I promise) that was written by the guy originally tasked with writing one of the biggest cinematic dog turds of all time: Battlefield Earth.

Battlefield Earth, for those of you who don’t know, is a novel penned by L. Ron Hubbard; the guy who invented (yes, invented) the “religion” known as Scientology. The Post article (written by J.D. Shapiro) chronicles how he basically visited a Scientology center in Los Angeles in an effort to meet women. That visit led to him writing the screenplay for the cinematic version of Hubbard’s Sci-fi story. It’s a good article, and you should check it out if you can find it.

Anyway, the article reminded me of my very own brief brush with Scientology. I’m always looking for great topics for my blog, so I thought I’d tell all of you about my experience.

This takes place way back before your ole’ pal Judge Fudge was handed his gavel and powdered wig. It was 2005, and I was working as a sales associate in a shoe store. One autumn evening when I was sweeping up the floor, a young woman walked in wearing a backpack and carrying a clipboard. I was sweeping right near the door, so she came up and introduced herself to me. She said that she was doing a consumer survey. That, coupled with the clipboard and backpack, made me think she was probably doing a survey for a college course she was taking.

I immediately had two thoughts:

1. 11. This is something a store manager should be dealing with.

2. I don’t have time for this bulls*it.

So, I pawned the woman off on our assistant manager Stacy (who was the only other employee in the store that evening). A minute or so later, the woman came back and said “Stacy said it was ok if you took the survey.”

Well played, Stacy.

All told, the young woman wasn’t bad looking, and since I figured her to be a college student I assumed that she was roughly my age. I figured that instead of finding a nice way of telling her “I don’t have time for this bulls*it,” I’d indulge her for a few minutes.

The woman started off by asking me pretty inane questions. They were the kind of questions that are designed for everyone to say “yes” to. Questions like “Do you often feel negative emotions?” and ‘Have you ever had an unhappy relationship?’

Anyway, she and I go through about 15 or 20 of these questions, and finally she asks, “What would you say if I told you there was a book that could help you with all of those things I asked you about?”

What I said was “I’d love to learn more.”

What I was thinking was “Awww, crap! If she pulls the Book of Mormon out of her backpack, I’m going to shove it up her ass!”

Turns out she had something much worse: Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard.

At this point, I’m thinking “Is it 'Just' to fake interest in a religion just to possibly get a date with this woman?”

I determined that since Scientology is a fake religion, faking interest wasn’t unjust on my part.

I made small talk with her for about 5 minutes. That’s when she, in passing, mentioned her husband. Seconds after that was when I finally noticed (duh), the gold ring on her finger!

Long story short, the woman had gotten my mailing address and email address before I noodle through the fact that she was going to be going home to a another brainwashed Thetan. As a result, I still (despite moving to a new address in the years since 2005) get nonsense in the mail from this fake religion.

So, Mr. Shapiro of the New York Post and I have something in common. Our respective “little buddies” have gotten us both in trouble with a religion that worships space aliens and (ironically) hates psychologists.

Oh well. At least I got out before I was asked to write one of the worst movies ever made.