Friday, November 20, 2009

The Irony Is You'd HAVE To Be Drunk To Want To...

This is a pro-temperance poster from 1919. You know, I'll bet those chicks would have been a little more fun if someone had passed around a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Now I Just Need A Vodka Award, And I Can Have A Party!

I feel like it's that last week of school. You know, the one where all the overachievers get rewarded for all their hard work? For the second time this week, I've been honored with an award!

This time, Nancy at f8hasit has given me the Lemonade Award. Anyone who wins the award must link back to the person they got the award from (check), and pass the award on to someone else.

1. Chris "Kuncklehead" Rushdie at Kuncklehead!. Whether complaining about shopping with his wife, or telling you about the sordid past of Cookie Monster, the Knucklehead will always make you laugh.

2. Raine at True Confessions Of A Single Mother. Being a single mom is tough, so I figured she could some lemonade!

3. Theresa at An Officer And A Garbage Can. She always has something interesting to say. Plus she's a fellow Tom Brady hater!

Now, go read these blogs and comment on them! Go! Go! Fly, my pretties!

Freedom Isn't Free. It Costs Folks Like You And Me.

It's Veterans Day. I have a tremendous amount of respect for our military, and the men and women who wear our nation's uniform. Let's face it, though. They're being honored EVERYWHERE today (as well they should), and no one's going to notice one more blog honoring vets. So instead of writing a sappy tribute to those who defend our nation, I thought I'd focus on the forgotten veterans this Veterans day: The veterans of the Late Night Wars.

First up is the cringe worthy Chevy Chase Show! Remember when Chevy Chase was going to turn FOX into a latenight powerhose that could compete with The Tonight Show, and The Late Show? Remember how it was cancelled about 6 weeks later? To be exact, the show lasted from September 7-October 1, 1993. It was the magical autumn where America finally, and collectively came to the realization that Chevy Chase really just isn't funny. Your late night suckfest may have been universally panned, Chevy, but today we honor you: A late night wars veteran. For those of you who missed Chevy's show 16 years ago, here's a clip I found on Youtube.

One commenter of the above clip said "I'll never be clean again." Amen, brother!

Speaking of people who used to be funny: Whoopi Goldberg had her own syndicated talk show (The Whoopi Goldberg Show) from 1992-1993. I actually remember watching this one a couple of times as a kid. I thought Whoopi was funny, so naturally the show would be too, right? Oh how wrong I was. Check out this promo for her talk show. When just the commercial is capable of giving you a headache, you know the show had to be bad!

While the bullet-riddled corpse of your show may have been left to die in no-man's land nearly two decades ago, we haven't forgotten. Today we salute you, Whoopi: Another Late Night veteran.

Now, it's hard to make fun of Magic Johnson. Not only has he bravely battled HIV since the early 1990's, but he's also done so much great charity work over the years. You can't help but love and respect the guy...Until you watch a clip from The Magic Hour which ran for three glorious months in the summer of 1998. Unfortunately, the only clips of The Magic Hour I could find also feature the hideously annoying Howard Stern (who's starting to sound more and more like Alan Alda with each passing year). Sorry.

The only thing magical about The Magic Hour was how quickly his audience disappeared. However, who can resist that charming Magic Johnson laugh? Magic, today the flag flies for you, oh battle-hardened veteran of the Late Night Wars!

At one time, loud mouth radio personality Rush Limbaugh was so popular, that someone thought he should have his own tv show. Thus, in the fall of 1992, The Rush Limbaugh Show was born. It was a syndicated show that aired after the late local news in most markets. So, technically, it counts as a late night program. Here's a clip from the very first episode:

In the clip, Rush claims that his tv show will stay on the air until everyone agrees with him. The show went off the air in 1996. No doubt, you all remember that day well. It was the day that the last liberal on earth finally realized the error of his ways. Shortly after, Bill and Hillary Clinton were jailed in a newly reopened Alcatraz. Newt Gingrich became our king, then graciously abdicated the throne several months later when doctors successfully cloned Ronald Reagan. Now, peace, liberty, and Lee Greenwood songs flourish throughout our land! God Bless America! Thank you, Rush. You're a Late Night Wars veteran truly worthy of honor.

Remember a time back before people who pumped their fists in the air while yelling "WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!" were considered jackasses? If you do, then you probably watched The Arsenio Hall Show (1989-1994). He was the guy who was going to knock Johnny Carson out of the top spot and become the new King of Late Night. Yet the show was off the year only two years after Carson retired. After watching this clip of him eating cereal with PeeWee Herman, I can't help but wonder what went wrong.

Arsenio is just one more man who stormed the beaches of Late Nightdom in the 80's-90's. If you see him today (working the register at Home Depot, or whatever it is he does now to make a living), thank him on behalf of all Americans.

Finally, who could forget The Pat Sajack Show (1989-1990)? Yep, ole' Pat was so popular that CBS gave him a late night show. In the following clip, he interviews Colonel Klink from Hogan's Heroes. Amazingly, it doesn't look like Klink has aged since the 1960's. Also, if you watch Wheel of Fortune today, it doesn't look like Pat has aged since this was filmed.

The Freedom to watch tv isn't free, Pat. It takes the sacrifices of folks like you. That's why I'm proud to honor you today as a veteran of the Late Night Wars.

Join me next November when I salute the veterans of the Cola Wars.

Seriously, I appreciate everything our men and women in uniform, past and present, have done for us. Happy Veteran's Day.

Monday, November 9, 2009

The Most Rewarding Part Is When I'm Rewarded With An Award!

Jackass, smartass, honkey, knothead, the world's greatest sex machine. That's just a few of the publishable names I've been called over the past 28 and a half years of my life (Ok, maybe I haven't been called that last one...yet. A boy can dream, though,can't he?)

Today, though, I was given a moniker that I can really be proud of:Knucklehead.

My blogger pal Chris Rushdie over at Knucklehead! has awarded me the Knucklehead! Post Of The Week. The winning post was
THIS post I made last night about the unfortunate end of Daylight Savings Time 2009.

Thanks for the recognition, Chris. I vow to pay it forward by giving back to the blogging community (Is there a blogging community center that needs repainting?).

Also, those of you who haven't done so, should check out Knucklehead! Support Chris's "Justice For Jim Varney" fight, and check out his "What Ever Happened To?" series.

Also...if you haven't done so yet, don't forget to recombobulate your clocks.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Kiss My Fall Backside!

Ever since I was a kid, I looked forward to “Springing Forward.” It meant longer afternoon, and later sunsets. It meant I could spend more time outside doing things kids do (catching junebugs, burning ants with magnifying glasses, insider trading, mercenary work in Central America, etc). It was always a sure sign that summer (and the end of the school year) was just around the corner.

On the other hand, I always thought that “Falling Back” blew dead bear. It meant shorter afternoons. It meant that soon, the air would get colder. It meant that the school year was underway again. Falling back was a big ole’ basket of suck!

Now that I’m out of school, working hard, and looking 30 squarely in the eye (only a year and a half to go until that magical day), I still think falling back sucks. Things are different now. Instead of shorter days meaning less time to play outside, it means driving home in darkness (or duskness…Is that a word?).There’s nothing I love more after a hard day at work that having to drive home in the cold and the dark! It’s a real spirit lifter! Seriously! This is why more people kill themselves during the f**king winter!

I’ve spent my evenings this past week looking at my watch and being continually astonished that it’s only 6 or 7:00PM. “How the hell can it only be 7:00?” I ask myself. “It feels like it’s nearly 9:00! I’m astonished!” Since I'm alone when I ask this, there is no one there to answer me. That fact begs the question, why do I keep asking questions when there’s no one there to answer them? Maybe I’ve finally gone insane. That, however, is the topic for another blog (unless I’m put in a straight jacket and hauled away before then).

There’s another fly in the ointment of this whole time change nonsense. Sometime in the past few years, they changed the dates in which we spring forward and fall back. The change made Daylight Savings Time (or as I call it “The Good Time”) last for a longer period during the year. Now, back about 5 years ago, I bought a fancy new clock to keep on my nightstand. It has a radio, has the date and day on the digital display, and has the option to change the display to almost any color under the rainbow (the current color is green). Another feature (which was great at the time) was the one that would automatically set the clock either forward or backward one hour on the days in which DST was set to start and end. Now that DST has been extended, which now causes it to start and end on different dates, my fancy clock is completely discombobulated (and I fear it may never be combobulated again!). As a result, there’s at least one weekend in the spring and fall in which I wake up not knowing what the hell’s going on timewise!

This “Standard Time” is the tool of Satan! A quick, random Google search (I’ll be dead in the cold, cold ground before I use Bing) will demonstrate that I’m not alone in my hatred of falling back. Let’s petition Congress to do away with this vile practice, and keep Daylight Savings Time as our standard time all year. We can attach an amendment to the healthcare bill. We might as well get SOMETHING good out of that piece of crap!

…But that still won’t help recombobulate my clock.