Thursday, December 31, 2009

Twitter Thursday!

I'm introducing a semi-regular feature at I Don't Know You, But I Probably Don't Like You. As you may have guessed by the title (or by reading my thoughts if you work for the National Security Agency), it'll be called Twitter Thursday. The premise is simple. There are tons of funny things I think up that are too short to turn in to a worthwhile blog post. So, they end up on Twitter (which is essentially the blog's cutting room floor...Seriously, if this blog ever gets its own DVD, my Twitter account will be the "Deleted Scenes" menu). On Twitter Thursday, I'm going to take the 10/15 best tweets from the previous seven days and post them here. So, enjoy the inaugural episode of Twitter Thursday...and if you don't enjoy it, just lie to me.


Yeeeehaw! A new movie starring The Rock is comin' out! I can't wait to jump in my El Camino and get on down to the movin' picture show!

Friday, December 11, 2009

BAH HUMBUG, B*TCHES!

Man alive, do I HATE Christmas!!!! I'm sure there are those of you out there right now saying something like "Tisk, tisk. Someone's going to get a lump of coal in his stocking." Well, you know what? I hope I DO get a lump of coal in my stocking. Several, in fact. I'm going to use them to throw at people who tell me that I'm going to get a lump of col in my stocking because of my hatred of Christmas!

I needed to get that out there. Now that I have, I can calm down a little! I'm serious, though, when I say I hate the holidays: Everything from the fact that they happen during the crappiest season of the year, to the fact that in our overly PC society you're considered an intolerant, hate-filled, Attila the Hun Nazi if you dare use the word Christmas instead of "Holiday."

Two things I DON'T hate are a good list, and giving all of you something fun and timely to read. So, I thought I'd combine my dislike for this time of year with my love of lists and entertaining my tens of readers. So, here goes nothing:

Why I hate The Holidays: A List

1. I can't stand those radio stations that start playing Christmas music the day after Thanksgiving. Though, considering stores put Christmas decorations up the day after Halloween, I guess I should commend the radio stations for waiting so long to start playing that same horrendous Mariah Carey Christmas song 12 times a day!

2. Happy ChristmaChanuaKwanzaCa from the PC Police: What is it about Christmas that brings these loons out of the woodwork in such record numbers? I understand that this is a special time of year for people of many various religions, and I respect that. Yet, according to these idiots, you're the second coming of Adolph Hitler if you don't mention every single holiday that every single religious or ethnic group celebrates in December (up to, and including, the December births of Ryan Seacrest, and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin). It makes this time of year unbearable, and makes it very hard for me to wish anyone seasonal goodwill.

3. Merry Christmas from the Religious Tighta**es: For those of you who complain because your kids are singing Jingle Bell Rock instead of Away In A Manger in the annual Christmas play: Shut up! In the immortal words of Forest Gump, "That's all I have to say about that."


4. Shoppers From Hell: I go to Target to buy a few groceries and end up getting shoulder checked into a Sun Chips display rack by some crazy parent all jacked up on a Starbucks latte, and trying to make it to the toy aisle before they run out of the latest toy that their ungrateful kids MUST have! If I ran things, I'd force stores like Target and Wal-Mart to set up hours just for regular shoppers buying everyday things. No crazy Christmas shopping parents allowed.

5. The Weather! My God, The Weather! I'm not going to mince words here. Winter blows dead bear. Living in Louisiana, I probably don't have much of a right to complain about the temperature. It rarely dips below freezing around here, and it only snows once in a Blue Moon. Still, the weather down here is horrible during winter. As we speak, it's rained for the last several days. The skies have been slate gray since the weekend. How can you maintain a festive mood with weather like this? It makes me wish I lived down in Australia. They actually celebrate Christmas in summer...Of course with the good comes the bad. If I were from Australia, I'd have to put up with constant comments from foreigners like "It's a damn shame about that Croc Hunter, isn't it?" or "Do you know Paul Hogan?" And don't even get me STARTED about the constant dingo/baby jokes!

These are just a FEW of my least favorite things about the Christmas season. I may have more to say as we get closer to the big day. For now, though, I leave you with this: Bah HUMBUG!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

With Apologies to Emerson







In the great dome that survived the flood
Their flag to ‘N’Orleans’ Brees unfurled
Here once the embattled Patriots stood
And were flattened by the shot heard round the world.

Friday, November 20, 2009

The Irony Is You'd HAVE To Be Drunk To Want To...



This is a pro-temperance poster from 1919. You know, I'll bet those chicks would have been a little more fun if someone had passed around a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Now I Just Need A Vodka Award, And I Can Have A Party!




I feel like it's that last week of school. You know, the one where all the overachievers get rewarded for all their hard work? For the second time this week, I've been honored with an award!

This time, Nancy at f8hasit has given me the Lemonade Award. Anyone who wins the award must link back to the person they got the award from (check), and pass the award on to someone else.

1. Chris "Kuncklehead" Rushdie at Kuncklehead!. Whether complaining about shopping with his wife, or telling you about the sordid past of Cookie Monster, the Knucklehead will always make you laugh.

2. Raine at True Confessions Of A Single Mother. Being a single mom is tough, so I figured she could some lemonade!

3. Theresa at An Officer And A Garbage Can. She always has something interesting to say. Plus she's a fellow Tom Brady hater!

Now, go read these blogs and comment on them! Go! Go! Fly, my pretties!

Freedom Isn't Free. It Costs Folks Like You And Me.

It's Veterans Day. I have a tremendous amount of respect for our military, and the men and women who wear our nation's uniform. Let's face it, though. They're being honored EVERYWHERE today (as well they should), and no one's going to notice one more blog honoring vets. So instead of writing a sappy tribute to those who defend our nation, I thought I'd focus on the forgotten veterans this Veterans day: The veterans of the Late Night Wars.

First up is the cringe worthy Chevy Chase Show! Remember when Chevy Chase was going to turn FOX into a latenight powerhose that could compete with The Tonight Show, and The Late Show? Remember how it was cancelled about 6 weeks later? To be exact, the show lasted from September 7-October 1, 1993. It was the magical autumn where America finally, and collectively came to the realization that Chevy Chase really just isn't funny. Your late night suckfest may have been universally panned, Chevy, but today we honor you: A late night wars veteran. For those of you who missed Chevy's show 16 years ago, here's a clip I found on Youtube.



One commenter of the above clip said "I'll never be clean again." Amen, brother!

Speaking of people who used to be funny: Whoopi Goldberg had her own syndicated talk show (The Whoopi Goldberg Show) from 1992-1993. I actually remember watching this one a couple of times as a kid. I thought Whoopi was funny, so naturally the show would be too, right? Oh how wrong I was. Check out this promo for her talk show. When just the commercial is capable of giving you a headache, you know the show had to be bad!



While the bullet-riddled corpse of your show may have been left to die in no-man's land nearly two decades ago, we haven't forgotten. Today we salute you, Whoopi: Another Late Night veteran.

Now, it's hard to make fun of Magic Johnson. Not only has he bravely battled HIV since the early 1990's, but he's also done so much great charity work over the years. You can't help but love and respect the guy...Until you watch a clip from The Magic Hour which ran for three glorious months in the summer of 1998. Unfortunately, the only clips of The Magic Hour I could find also feature the hideously annoying Howard Stern (who's starting to sound more and more like Alan Alda with each passing year). Sorry.



The only thing magical about The Magic Hour was how quickly his audience disappeared. However, who can resist that charming Magic Johnson laugh? Magic, today the flag flies for you, oh battle-hardened veteran of the Late Night Wars!

At one time, loud mouth radio personality Rush Limbaugh was so popular, that someone thought he should have his own tv show. Thus, in the fall of 1992, The Rush Limbaugh Show was born. It was a syndicated show that aired after the late local news in most markets. So, technically, it counts as a late night program. Here's a clip from the very first episode:



In the clip, Rush claims that his tv show will stay on the air until everyone agrees with him. The show went off the air in 1996. No doubt, you all remember that day well. It was the day that the last liberal on earth finally realized the error of his ways. Shortly after, Bill and Hillary Clinton were jailed in a newly reopened Alcatraz. Newt Gingrich became our king, then graciously abdicated the throne several months later when doctors successfully cloned Ronald Reagan. Now, peace, liberty, and Lee Greenwood songs flourish throughout our land! God Bless America! Thank you, Rush. You're a Late Night Wars veteran truly worthy of honor.

Remember a time back before people who pumped their fists in the air while yelling "WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!" were considered jackasses? If you do, then you probably watched The Arsenio Hall Show (1989-1994). He was the guy who was going to knock Johnny Carson out of the top spot and become the new King of Late Night. Yet the show was off the year only two years after Carson retired. After watching this clip of him eating cereal with PeeWee Herman, I can't help but wonder what went wrong.



Arsenio is just one more man who stormed the beaches of Late Nightdom in the 80's-90's. If you see him today (working the register at Home Depot, or whatever it is he does now to make a living), thank him on behalf of all Americans.

Finally, who could forget The Pat Sajack Show (1989-1990)? Yep, ole' Pat was so popular that CBS gave him a late night show. In the following clip, he interviews Colonel Klink from Hogan's Heroes. Amazingly, it doesn't look like Klink has aged since the 1960's. Also, if you watch Wheel of Fortune today, it doesn't look like Pat has aged since this was filmed.



The Freedom to watch tv isn't free, Pat. It takes the sacrifices of folks like you. That's why I'm proud to honor you today as a veteran of the Late Night Wars.

Join me next November when I salute the veterans of the Cola Wars.

Seriously, I appreciate everything our men and women in uniform, past and present, have done for us. Happy Veteran's Day.

Monday, November 9, 2009

The Most Rewarding Part Is When I'm Rewarded With An Award!




Jackass, smartass, honkey, knothead, the world's greatest sex machine. That's just a few of the publishable names I've been called over the past 28 and a half years of my life (Ok, maybe I haven't been called that last one...yet. A boy can dream, though,can't he?)

Today, though, I was given a moniker that I can really be proud of:Knucklehead.

My blogger pal Chris Rushdie over at Knucklehead! has awarded me the Knucklehead! Post Of The Week. The winning post was
THIS post I made last night about the unfortunate end of Daylight Savings Time 2009.

Thanks for the recognition, Chris. I vow to pay it forward by giving back to the blogging community (Is there a blogging community center that needs repainting?).

Also, those of you who haven't done so, should check out Knucklehead! Support Chris's "Justice For Jim Varney" fight, and check out his "What Ever Happened To?" series.

Also...if you haven't done so yet, don't forget to recombobulate your clocks.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Kiss My Fall Backside!

Ever since I was a kid, I looked forward to “Springing Forward.” It meant longer afternoon, and later sunsets. It meant I could spend more time outside doing things kids do (catching junebugs, burning ants with magnifying glasses, insider trading, mercenary work in Central America, etc). It was always a sure sign that summer (and the end of the school year) was just around the corner.

On the other hand, I always thought that “Falling Back” blew dead bear. It meant shorter afternoons. It meant that soon, the air would get colder. It meant that the school year was underway again. Falling back was a big ole’ basket of suck!

Now that I’m out of school, working hard, and looking 30 squarely in the eye (only a year and a half to go until that magical day), I still think falling back sucks. Things are different now. Instead of shorter days meaning less time to play outside, it means driving home in darkness (or duskness…Is that a word?).There’s nothing I love more after a hard day at work that having to drive home in the cold and the dark! It’s a real spirit lifter! Seriously! This is why more people kill themselves during the f**king winter!

I’ve spent my evenings this past week looking at my watch and being continually astonished that it’s only 6 or 7:00PM. “How the hell can it only be 7:00?” I ask myself. “It feels like it’s nearly 9:00! I’m astonished!” Since I'm alone when I ask this, there is no one there to answer me. That fact begs the question, why do I keep asking questions when there’s no one there to answer them? Maybe I’ve finally gone insane. That, however, is the topic for another blog (unless I’m put in a straight jacket and hauled away before then).

There’s another fly in the ointment of this whole time change nonsense. Sometime in the past few years, they changed the dates in which we spring forward and fall back. The change made Daylight Savings Time (or as I call it “The Good Time”) last for a longer period during the year. Now, back about 5 years ago, I bought a fancy new clock to keep on my nightstand. It has a radio, has the date and day on the digital display, and has the option to change the display to almost any color under the rainbow (the current color is green). Another feature (which was great at the time) was the one that would automatically set the clock either forward or backward one hour on the days in which DST was set to start and end. Now that DST has been extended, which now causes it to start and end on different dates, my fancy clock is completely discombobulated (and I fear it may never be combobulated again!). As a result, there’s at least one weekend in the spring and fall in which I wake up not knowing what the hell’s going on timewise!

This “Standard Time” is the tool of Satan! A quick, random Google search (I’ll be dead in the cold, cold ground before I use Bing) will demonstrate that I’m not alone in my hatred of falling back. Let’s petition Congress to do away with this vile practice, and keep Daylight Savings Time as our standard time all year. We can attach an amendment to the healthcare bill. We might as well get SOMETHING good out of that piece of crap!

…But that still won’t help recombobulate my clock.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

We Know How To Cook...Probably Better Than You!

I'm so sick of people on tv burning food, then claiming that it's "Cajun." We don't burn our food, you asses! We know better!

Judge Fudge's Annual Trek Down Hershey Highway

I grew up in the country. We didn’t have any neighbors very close by. As a result, we never had any kids come to our front door for Halloween. In fact when my sister and I wanted to go trick or treating when we were kids, our parents would have to load us into the car, and take us to the nearby neighborhood. Thankfully, it was mostly family, and family friends that lived in the neighborhood nearest to our house. Not only did it mean our candy was safe, it pretty much guaranteed a good candy haul each year.

Anyway, I never experienced what it was like to have kids coming to the door every 10 minutes on All Hallow’s Eve. When I moved, I thought things would be different. In fact, I was looking forward to handing out candy to all the little ghosts, goblins, and Hannah Montanas that arrived at my door with treat bags. That first year, I bought candy, and even hung some fake spider webs up.

But, it turns out that no one comes HERE for Halloween either. I live closer to town. I’m not out in the sticks any more. Still, every Halloween, I’m sitting home by my lonesome shoveling down handfuls of fun size Kit Kats (and don’t even get me started on this “Fun Size” bulls*it! That’s the topic for a different day.).

After that first year, though, I came to two realizations:

1. 1I like candy

2. 2I hate kids.

To be completely honest, things could not have worked out any better for me. Now, I go to CVS in October and cash in on all the sweet Halloween candy deals. I fill the pantry with tiny chocolate bars, and I don’t have to share it with anyone! All the sweet, chocolaty, teeth rotting goodness is for me!

Hey…Why do you think I call myself Judge Fudge?

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Finally, It's Everyone Else's Team That Stinks!

I can remember the first time I ever watched the Saints play. It was about 1988 or 1989 around Christmas. I was helping my parents decorate the tree, and watching New Orleans play the San Francisco 49ers. I had absolutely no idea what was going on, but I did know two things:

1. The Saints were Louisiana's team

2. They usually lost

I paid attention to the game as best as any 7 (or possibly 8) year old can. Naturally, the Saints lost. It was more than just a game, though. It was the beginning of a love affair between me and a football team that over the years has sent me (and thousands of others) on a roller coaster ride of emotions.

After the worst season in recent memory in 2005, a season that saw them playing in the Alamo Dome in San Antonio and LSU's Tiger Stadium, the Saints returned to New Orleans in 2006. With a new quarterback, new coach and a new attitude (now that Patti LeBelle song is going to be stuck in your head all day...You're welcome), the Saints went on to have a season that almost brought them to the Super Bowl (Screw the damn Chicago Bears!).

After a couple of tough seasons, the Saints are on a roll again. With a great new defense and an explosive offense, our boys in black and gold have been unstoppable. For the first time since 1993, they've started with a 4-0 record.

This Sunday, they'll face the toughest opponent they've faced so far this season: The New York football Giants (as Howard Cosell used to say). They're undefeated so far this year too.

I don't know what'll happen. I'm confident that if anyone can beat the Giants, though, it's my Saints. So, bring 'em to the Dome, baby!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Obama Awarded Nobel Prize, Heisman Trophy, And Best Actor In A Comedy Series

A slightly more serious blog today. Mainly because today's news angried up the blood, and gave me a kick in the comedy testicles. Ok, what the f**k?! What the F**KING F**K?! I wake up in the morning, and learn that while I was sleeping President Barack Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

SERIOUSLY?

Color me clueless, but I thought you actually had to DO something to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Dr. Martin Luther King put his life on the line every day by fighting hatred, ignorance and intolerance. Teddy Roosevelt (the first American to win the prize) negotiated the Treaty of Portsmouth which ended a devastating war between Russia and Japan. Even Al Gore put together that little Power Point presentation about global warming.

What has Barack Obama done to deserve this award? Especially considering that the deadline to be nominated was February 1 of this year (roughly two weeks after the prez took office). Don't get me wrong, he may very well deserve it one day. He definitely didn't deserve to win it today, though.

Here are a couple of other nominees from this year. Note that they've actually done things:

Chinese dissident Hu Jia who has risked life and limb to promote the cause of human rights in China. He has fought for the release of Chinese political prisoners, and is often arrested (on charges such as "subverting state authority"...Nice and Orwellian, is it not?) for taking on one of the most corrupt governments on the planet. He is currently in prison in China serving a three year, six month sentence. His wife reports that malnutrition and inadequate care is causing him to waste away.

Former Columbian Senator and Presidential Candidate Ingrid Betancourt, who was held captive for 6 and a half years by the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Columbia (a pro-leftist guerrilla group). She was kidnapped in February 2002 while campaigning for the Columbian presidency as the Green Party candidate. A candidate who was harshly critical of FARC and who fought to bring peace to that extremely violent country, she campaigned in FARC controlled providences after being told it was not safe to do so. After her rescue in 2008, Ingrid said she still aspired to serve the people of Columbia as president, even if it meant risking another kidnapping.

I don't know why Ms. Betancourt didn't win, but THIS news story from back February opines that Jia might not be selected because the Nobel Prize committee doesn't want to anger Beijing. Well, we can't have THAT now can we?

Maybe we should award the Nobel committee the No Balls Prize.

Instead, they went with a popular choice. They went with someone can draw crowds and get attention. They chose the Hannah Montana of international politics.

Nevermind that he heads a government that, just yesterday, tried to blow up the frickin' moon!

Whether I like it or not, our president has a Nobel Peace Prize. I just hope that over the next few years, he does something to live up to all of the hype.

I'm also proud to announce that The Office won the Nobel Prize for Best Comedy Series, 24 Won the Nobel Prize for Best Drama, and the guy who plays Dr. House won the Nobel Prize for Best Fake American Accent.


Thursday, October 1, 2009

My Strange Icelandic Journey To Find TV Shows That Don't Suck



When I was a kid, there was a tv show called Coach. It was about the life of Hayden Fox (Craig T. Nelson), who coached the fictional Minnesota State Screaming Eagles football team. It followed Coach Fox, his girlfriend (later wife) Christine, and his assistant coaches Luther Van Dam (played by Jerry Van Dyke, the funnier Van Dyke brother), and Michael “Dauber” Dybinski (who now does the voice of a starfish on some little-known cartoon involving sponges).

I was probably a little too young to watch a sitcom intended for adults, but who cares! I turned out to be pretty well-adjusted in the long run. When the show ended in 1997 I was 16, so it was a moot point by then.

Anyway, the show was great, and I really enjoyed it. One the rare occasion that I was off during weekdays, I would watch Coach on the USA Network (“characters welcomed”). It was always a pleasant surprise to see it playing in the middle of the day as I channel surfed.

Earlier this week, I thought it would be fun to watch a couple of episodes of this great show. As I usually do when I want to watch a great older sitcom, I turned to the internet. There are great, legal, websites like HULU and In2tv where people can find full episodes of classic television shows. I scoured the Google search results, but didn’t have any luck finding episodes online (legally or otherwise).

Naturally!

Since I didn’t have any luck finding it online, I decided that I would crack the wallet open and buy a season or two of Coach on DVD. After a quick search, I found that the first three seasons have been released for retail sale. It shouldn’t be too hard to find locally, right?

I went to the Wal-Mart website, and did a search. Apparently, there are no seasons of Coach sold in Wal-Mart stores locally.

Strike One…Or Second and Long if we’re going to stay loyal to Coach’s football theme.

So, I thought I’d try old, faithful Best Buy. I did a quick search, and there are no Best Buy stores within a 100 mile radius that sell the show on DVD.

Third and Long.

I decided if I wanted to find my DVD’s, this horse would have to lead himself to the water. After work on Tuesday, I went down to the retail district. Since Best Buy is right in the middle of everything, I figured I’d pop in there just to double check whether or not the internet search results were correct. They were. They had just about everything ELSE on DVD, but not Coach…Oh, and they had books too! Best Buy had books! I could buy a copy of the latest conspiracy theory pabulum crapped out by Dan Brown, but I couldn’t find the TV show I was looking for!

I was informed, however, that I could purchase all three available seasons at Bestbuy.com

Yeah. I dragged by ass across town, during the afternoon rush hour and after a day of work, to a busy retail store so I could buy the f**king thing online!

Fourth Down

Speaking of books, my next stop was Barnes and Noble. Sure, Barnes and Noble inflates their movie prices by about 700 percent (seriously, anyone who buys music or movies at Barnes and Noble, is either stupid or desperate…I’m both), but sometimes it’s worth it. B&N happens to be just two doors down from Best Buy (with a Pep Boys conveniently sandwiched betwixt them), and its music and movie section usually has DVD’s that can’t normally be found elsewhere. Surely THEY would have at least one of the three seasons of Coach that have been released on DVD!

Nope…And don’t call me Shirley.

For the record, this would have been Fifth Down if such a thing existed.

Barnes and Noble had a s*itload of ALF on the shelves. They had programs that only lasted one season (or not even that). They had British sitcoms on DVD. They even had According To Jim for Christ’s sake! Yet, they didn’t have any Coach.

It’s ok, though. I was informed that I could buy all three seasons available for sale at BN.com.

These damn retail stores are keeping their stock o’ stuff in warehouses for online sale. Yet, websites like eBay are opening up retail outlets to keep the stock o’ stuff they have for sale.

I’m starting to think it’s all part of a massive Freemason, Vatican, Illuminati conspiracy to piss me off!

Maybe I should call Dan Brown. I can help him crap out another book.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

You Might Be A Redneck





So, I stop by mom and pop's house this evening. Mom had been to the grocery store a little while before. I noticed her shopping list on the kitchen table, and glanced at it. At the very top was the following phrase (I swear I'm not making this up):

"Look for NASCAR shot glass."

*Sniff* I'm SO proud.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Survey Of The Worst Songs Ever

You all know about bad songs. You’ll be at home or in your car, and THAT song will come on. Now there are plenty of songs that we tune out when we hear them. Unless it’s a song we really love, or something we’ve never heard before, chances are the songs on the radio are just background music.

However, there are those special songs. Those songs that we love to hear on the radio just so we can hit the SCAN button as hard as possible. Because, after all, how will the radio know that it has dissatisfied us with sub-par music unless we stab its buttons with a force only commonly used at home when trying to eradicate Rosie O’Donnell from our TV screens? They’re the songs that we love to hate.

We all have those songs that we absolutely hate. Especially me. It’s a little bit harder for me to choose, though, because I despise pretty much every song that was recorded after 1997 or so. Here are just a few of my least favorite:

1. My Heart Will Go On Celine Dion

I know it's really popular to dislike Celine Dion. That's why I do it.

2. Horse With No Name America

Christ do I dispise you, Neil Young, you stupid Canadian* hippy asshole!

3. The Year 2525 Zager and Evans

In the year 2525, if man is still alive, if woman can survive, this song will still be a nihilistic suckfest that will make someone with even the sunniest disposition want to take a swandive off of a skyscraper.

4. Still The One Shania Twain

Shania Twain made millions of dollars by completely blurring the line between country/western music and crappy, overproduced late-1990's pop. Thanks a lot!

5. Achy Breaky Heart Billy Ray Cyrus

If it were possible for Wal-Mart to have a national anthem, this would be it.

Now, these aren’t my top 5. They’re the first 5 that I found myself able to make funny comments about.

I've decided to conduct a reader survey. Leave a comment here telling me what you think some of the worst songs of all time are. You can nominate one or more than one, but be sure and explain in a short sentence or two why you hate each song you nominate. Then, I'll post a new blog listing the songs you nominate. Basically, I'm trying to stretch this bad song thing into another blog, but I'm going to make you do the bulk of the work.

*No offense to any other Canadians. Just Neil Young.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

My Eclectic Music Taste


I don't really have anything funny or interesting enough to write about this evening. So, your consolation prize is a look at my eclectic taste in music.








Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones

Sunday, August 2, 2009

TV Land Is Now TV Bland

I used to love TV Land. I remember when the network first launched in 1996. I stayed home all day and watched all the cool old sitcoms, dramas, and variety shows that I had only heard about from my parents. When all the network shows were trying to be poorly-written rehashes of Friends, Seinfeld, and Melrose Place it was refreshing to see something well-written rather than just a bunch of catch phrases strung together into a 22 minute crapfest of a show.

Then, TV Land started to change things up about 3 or 4 years ago. They started weeding out the great sitcoms from the era known as the "Golden Age" of tv, and started airing shows from the 1990's and 2000's (commonly known as the "Worthless Bulls**t Age" of tv). They dubbed these sitcoms "Modern Classics." Now, even though I would lament the loss of great 60's sitcoms, I could tolerate real modern classics that you never see anymore (something like Cheers). Yet what TV Land airs are cheap shows that are easy to acquire the rights to; shows that can be seen in 2 hour blocks every afternoon on TBS, or on any local station between the local news and the prime time line-up. Do you consider Just Shoot Me (a show no one watched when it was airing every week on NBC, and was lucky to have limped through the few seasons that it limped through) a Modern Classic?

Well, the Modern Classics nonsense is bad, but at least TV Land had not stooped to airing reality shows.

All that changed a year and a half ago when TV Land, in an effort to draw in that 25-54 demographic (that's IQ points, not age), started airing crap like High School Reunion, and She's Got The Look. You know the plots of these shows, because they're like every the plots of every banal, worthless reality show: A bunch of self-centered 30 and 40-somethings put aised their families and responsibilities for a few weeks for their 15 minutes of fame.

It gets worse. This spring, TV Land rolled out a new reality show called The Cougar. The show, as far as I can tell, is about a horny, self-centered 40 year old woman who tries to catch as many venereal diseases as possible from equally horny, and self-centered 20 year old boys.

Oh, and I almost forgot the other great shows TV Land aired a few years ago:Mr. T's I Pity The Fool, where Mr. T. Travels around the country, you guessed it...Pitying fools! There was also the great show Family Foreman, starring George Foreman and his 750 sons...Also named George. I guess people just aren't buying those grills like they used to.

There was also another great show in which poor, frail Bea Arthur was forced to be a substitute teacher for a day (because...see...that was her job on Golden Girls, and they thought it would be wacky to take this poor elderly woman who looked like the Crypt Keeper, and put her doing the job her former tv character did). This could be a great idea if it was executed properly (like forcing William Shatner to fly the space shuttle, or having Bob Newhart give psychological advice)...but I digress.

Speaking of people who look like the Crypt Keeper, TV Land is now hawking an upcoming show called How'd You Get So Rich starring Joan Rivers. After all, who DOESN'T love Joan Rivers! From what I can understand, the show features Joan Rivers running around and talking to rich people about how they got so rich, and how absolutely fabulous it is to be rich! Now, I'm watching!


Joan Rivers Moments Before Her Most Recent Plastic Surgery

And they wonder why people are abandoning tv and turning to the internet for entertainment.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

If He'd Ever Had My Vote, He Would Have Lost It Now

I agree, Mr. President. Being drunk DEFINITELY makes your healthcare plan more palatable.

Unless you're living under a rock, you've heard the saga of the black Harvard professor who was locked out of his house and allegedly got belligerent with police when they were called in to investigate...which led to the professor's arrest. Things escalated last week when the president commented on the situation, and invited the professor and arresting officer to the White House for a frosty beer and a pow-wow.

That'll be happening in about 6 hours from now, by the way.

Now, I'm no fan of the president. His politics and mine are like oil and water...or, more aptly, liberal and conservative. As a long-time beer fan, however, I was intrigued to hear that the president invited these guys for a beer rather than a glass of wine, or a latte. For all the faults that I think President Obama may have, I thought it was pretty cool that he was a guy that could kick back with a good beer.

So, a day or so ago, the White House Press Office released the drink menu for the "Beer Summit." Dr. Henry Gates, the arrestee (for lack of a better term), will probably be drinking Red Stripe (a Jamaican beer). I've tried Red Stripe before, and wasn't very impressed with it. Sgt. Crowley, the arresting officer, will be drinking Blue Moon. I've had Blue Moon too. The flavor has a hint of pine in it. It's what I've always imagined Pine-Sol might taste like. Translation: Blue Moon tastes like crap.

What beer will our president be drinking? He's a pretty sophisticated guy, right? With that in mind, I thought that maybe Barry O would choose something like Sam Adams, Killians, Fordham, or National Bohemian (brewed down the road from the White House in Baltimore). Nope. What kind of suds will the prez be swilling this evening? Bud Lite.

Bud Lite? Seriously?

Keep in mind, I'm no beer snob. I've had them all over the years, even a few Budweisers. However, when you can have a great tasting beer owned and brewed by an American company like Sam Adams, why drink something that tastes slightly worse that horse urine and is brewed by a Belgian company? That's right! Budweiser is no longer American-owned. It's owned by a bunch of smelly Europeans (more specifically, a company known as InBev)!

Even members of the president's own party are criticizing the choice. According to the Boston Globe, Congressman Richard Neal (D-MA), sent a letter to the president suggesting that Sam Adams be served.

So why did the president choose the less than impressive Bud Lite? Maybe because, despite the change of ownership, Bud is still the most popular beer in America; maybe the most popular worldwide. Drinking the "King Of Beers" could be a great way to appeal to all those folks who perceive Obama as an "elitist." Or maybe he's trying to appeal to the Christian Right. After all, even Jesus drinks Bud.

Friday, July 17, 2009

I'm On The TV!!! (Don't Blink, Or You'll Miss Me)

Yep, I'm a tv star now. My company had its grand opening in town this week, and the local news came out to see us. I'm on for a fraction of a second at 0:22 in the report. I'm in the suit, holding the water bottle and wearing the sunglasses. I'm bound to be discovered now! If you're lucky, I'll remember you after I move to Hollywood.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Now He's Shouting Slogans At Angels






They say celebs die in threes. Leave it to Billy Mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

In all honesty, I think I'll miss Billy Mays more than Kid Toucher and Nip Slip (MJ, and Farrah) combined.

PS. Is it time to rename this blog "The Blog Of Death"? This is the second death related post in a row.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Michael Jackson Dead





Rest in peace, Freak-A-Zoid

Hey...I can't be 100% serious!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Someone Thinks I'm Good At Stuff

Thanks to Chrissy, I've been nominated for the Kreativ Blogger Award. No, I didn't get hit over the head really, really hard. That's how the name of the award is actually spelled. As with any high office, responsibility comes with the honor of being selected. I have to put a Kreativ Blogger logo in my blog. I've done that. I have to tell everyone 7 things I love. You'll be able to find that below. I also have to nominate 7 other people for the award. The sad truth is, though , that most of the people I follow have already been nominated. So I'll nominate the ones I can right now, and hold an "application process" to see who gets the rest of the nominations. So, start your ass kissing now!

7 Things I Love

1. The Simpsons

2. My GPS navigator

3. My friends and family

4. Samuel Adams (the beer, not the dude...but the dude's pretty cool too)

5. Just about any movie with Denzel Washington

6. Peace and quiet

7. Anything written by either Dave Barry or Jack Handey

And The Nominees Are...

...and now I'm a grownup

Journey And Adventure


Five more nominations to go. Will YOUR blog be one of the next five nominees? Make checks payable to Judge Fudge. Email me to find out where to send the checks.

Monday, June 8, 2009

I Can't Drive 05

I used to have a job that was only about 15 minutes from my home. It was great. I could leave my house 20 minutes before work, and still get there with 5 minutes to spare. The short commute was one of the reasons that I really loved that job. All great things must come to an end, though, and I was laid off from that job last year. I've been working at my new job for most of 2009. This job is great, but it comes with a 35 minute commute into and across the city of Lafayette.

After experiencing several months of the way things operate on the roads in Lafayette, I've come to the conclusion that there is one of two things happening:

1.) The city hates its residents.

2.) This city is being run by dickweeds.

Yeah, I know...I'm a deep thinker. Aristotle had nothing on me.

What brought me to such highbrow conclusions? Traffic gridlock.

"C'mon," you're saying, "every city has traffic."

To you I say "C'mon" is not a word, and you should be ashamed of such flagrant misuse of the apostrophe!

True, every city has traffic...Especially on its roads. What makes the city of Lafayette unique is that it seems to go out of its way to prolong traffic congestion and frustrate the mother-loving bejeezus out of guys like me!

Example: The city has, for the last 5 weeks or so, randomly shut down lanes of highway traffic and/or street traffic during morning and afternoon rush hours. Why do they do it? They are, I kid you not, repainting the little lines on the road.

DURING F**KING RUSH HOUR!!!!!!!!!


One day, I saw a lane blocked off while a couple of guys pried off those little reflective light thingies from the road. Last week, traffic was being redirected while three First Grade flunk outs swept the highway with pushbrooms.

They were sweeping the highway with pushbrooms.

Sweeping it.

With pushbrooms!

We're traveling at 5 miles per hour in one lane of traffic so that they can make the road look pretty?

That's frustrating. I think everyone can agree with me on that. Hell, though, at least the street is being blocked off for a purpose. There's nothing worse than a street with dirt on it, or a street where all those little lines are faded. At least those guys are working at something.

What really makes me mad is a certain road in town that's always blocked off with those big, orange candy corn cones, or barriers that say LANE CLOSED. Yet, when average folks like me crawl by, deftly avoiding all the dullards that are trying to swerve into the one open lane at the last minute (Seriously, if you're dumb enough to wait until you're right in front of the big flashing arrow before you try to merge into the one good lane, you deserved to be ignored), you see absolutely no one working on the blocked off lanes.

Maybe these guys work at night. If that's true, though, then why don't they schedule line painting, road sweeping, and reflective light thingy prying for nights too?

Will things ever change? Can guys like me complain enough to the city government to make things change? Is that thing on the top of my head growing?

These are questions I can't answer. I do know one thing, though. Commuting would be a lot more relaxing if we were allowed to drink beer while driving.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Greed Is Good (Not Really)

I'm a straight guy, but I've got no problem with gay people. I do have a problem with bisexuals, however. Come on! You're just being greedy! Save some for the rest of us.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Blog Droppings

Things I could probably extend into full-length blogs if I had enough booze.


Man Vs. Beast

If I could punch just one species of animal in the face, it would probably be a dingo.

Planet Of The Apes

A world ruled by monkeys? Impossible! I mean, I could see a world where they have voting rights, but absolute rule? No thank you, sir!

Jolly Good Intercourse, Love!

Wouldn't Sir Loin be a great name for a British Porn Star?

Sucka!

Would Mr. T pity me as a fool if I told him I didn't really care for The A Team?

Reach Into Bob's $500 Pocket And Claim Your Prize!

Bob Barker admits that he was once asked to do porn. Gives a new meaning to the game "Hole In One, or Two."

Check The Stats

The truth is that thirty-six percent of all statistics are made up. Sixty-four percent of the population realizes that.

Who Turned Out The Lights?

It's a shame that Stevie Wonder will never live to see an African-American president.

Tune Out, Turn Off, Etc, Etc.

When did the History Channel become the "Truck Driver, And lumberjack Channel"? Also, when did the History Channel start to suck?

Thursday, May 21, 2009

The Following People Need A Good Cock-Punching




About about 8 years ago, there was an "infographic" piece in the satirical newspaper The Onion that listed people who, as they put it, "Need A Good Cock-Punching." You can find that piece HERE. I thought it was a pretty funny piece, and a pretty good idea (face it, we all know someone famous or in our everyday lives who could use a punch to the cock). So, my friends and I, back when we first read the newspaper piece, came up with our own lists. Every now and then, I like to update my list. So, without further adieu, here's the list of people that I feel need a good cock-punchin' (4th edition).

1. Ossama bin Laden (retains his number one position for the fourth time in a row)
2. Senator *shudder* Al Franken
3. Simon Cowell (actually anyone associated with the abomination known as American Idol, and who has a penis, deserves to be punched)
4. The guy who plays JD on Scrubs
5. Keith Olbermann
6. Hillary Clinton (Come on! She has one!)
7. Sean Penn
8. Drew Peterson
9. Kate from Jon And Kate Plus 8 (see: Hillary Clinton)
10.Tie between Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, and Jimmy Fallon