Thursday, September 24, 2009

You Might Be A Redneck

So, I stop by mom and pop's house this evening. Mom had been to the grocery store a little while before. I noticed her shopping list on the kitchen table, and glanced at it. At the very top was the following phrase (I swear I'm not making this up):

"Look for NASCAR shot glass."

*Sniff* I'm SO proud.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Survey Of The Worst Songs Ever

You all know about bad songs. You’ll be at home or in your car, and THAT song will come on. Now there are plenty of songs that we tune out when we hear them. Unless it’s a song we really love, or something we’ve never heard before, chances are the songs on the radio are just background music.

However, there are those special songs. Those songs that we love to hear on the radio just so we can hit the SCAN button as hard as possible. Because, after all, how will the radio know that it has dissatisfied us with sub-par music unless we stab its buttons with a force only commonly used at home when trying to eradicate Rosie O’Donnell from our TV screens? They’re the songs that we love to hate.

We all have those songs that we absolutely hate. Especially me. It’s a little bit harder for me to choose, though, because I despise pretty much every song that was recorded after 1997 or so. Here are just a few of my least favorite:

1. My Heart Will Go On Celine Dion

I know it's really popular to dislike Celine Dion. That's why I do it.

2. Horse With No Name America

Christ do I dispise you, Neil Young, you stupid Canadian* hippy asshole!

3. The Year 2525 Zager and Evans

In the year 2525, if man is still alive, if woman can survive, this song will still be a nihilistic suckfest that will make someone with even the sunniest disposition want to take a swandive off of a skyscraper.

4. Still The One Shania Twain

Shania Twain made millions of dollars by completely blurring the line between country/western music and crappy, overproduced late-1990's pop. Thanks a lot!

5. Achy Breaky Heart Billy Ray Cyrus

If it were possible for Wal-Mart to have a national anthem, this would be it.

Now, these aren’t my top 5. They’re the first 5 that I found myself able to make funny comments about.

I've decided to conduct a reader survey. Leave a comment here telling me what you think some of the worst songs of all time are. You can nominate one or more than one, but be sure and explain in a short sentence or two why you hate each song you nominate. Then, I'll post a new blog listing the songs you nominate. Basically, I'm trying to stretch this bad song thing into another blog, but I'm going to make you do the bulk of the work.

*No offense to any other Canadians. Just Neil Young.