Sunday, May 31, 2009

Blog Droppings

Things I could probably extend into full-length blogs if I had enough booze.

Man Vs. Beast

If I could punch just one species of animal in the face, it would probably be a dingo.

Planet Of The Apes

A world ruled by monkeys? Impossible! I mean, I could see a world where they have voting rights, but absolute rule? No thank you, sir!

Jolly Good Intercourse, Love!

Wouldn't Sir Loin be a great name for a British Porn Star?


Would Mr. T pity me as a fool if I told him I didn't really care for The A Team?

Reach Into Bob's $500 Pocket And Claim Your Prize!

Bob Barker admits that he was once asked to do porn. Gives a new meaning to the game "Hole In One, or Two."

Check The Stats

The truth is that thirty-six percent of all statistics are made up. Sixty-four percent of the population realizes that.

Who Turned Out The Lights?

It's a shame that Stevie Wonder will never live to see an African-American president.

Tune Out, Turn Off, Etc, Etc.

When did the History Channel become the "Truck Driver, And lumberjack Channel"? Also, when did the History Channel start to suck?

Thursday, May 21, 2009

The Following People Need A Good Cock-Punching

About about 8 years ago, there was an "infographic" piece in the satirical newspaper The Onion that listed people who, as they put it, "Need A Good Cock-Punching." You can find that piece HERE. I thought it was a pretty funny piece, and a pretty good idea (face it, we all know someone famous or in our everyday lives who could use a punch to the cock). So, my friends and I, back when we first read the newspaper piece, came up with our own lists. Every now and then, I like to update my list. So, without further adieu, here's the list of people that I feel need a good cock-punchin' (4th edition).

1. Ossama bin Laden (retains his number one position for the fourth time in a row)
2. Senator *shudder* Al Franken
3. Simon Cowell (actually anyone associated with the abomination known as American Idol, and who has a penis, deserves to be punched)
4. The guy who plays JD on Scrubs
5. Keith Olbermann
6. Hillary Clinton (Come on! She has one!)
7. Sean Penn
8. Drew Peterson
9. Kate from Jon And Kate Plus 8 (see: Hillary Clinton)
10.Tie between Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, and Jimmy Fallon

Friday, May 15, 2009

I Call For A Lardass Tax!

"I wash myself with a rag on a stick."-Bart Simpson

I tell you, I'm as mad as a Chinese restaurant owner in an animal shelter that doesn't have any cats! The Democrats in Washington, in yet another attempt to piss away the overwhelming (and irrational) support they're enjoying from many Americans right now, are attempting (in part) to fund their universal healthcare plan by imposing a 3 cent tax on sodas and energy drinks. Their argument is that sodas have absolutely no nutritional quality, and are a leading contributor to obesity in the United States.

Now, I'm not going to sit here and try to argue about how asinine the idea of universal healthcare is. I won't even talk about how it's none of the government's damn business to try and alter our behavior by taxing something that they perceive as un-PC.

I WILL talk about something that I talked in my previous blog: Personal responsibility! Ok, I'll concede that there are a lot of overweight people who consume way too many sodas. Think about this, though: I drink plenty of soda. I usually have one for lunch, and always have one with dinner. In fact, as I write this, there is a 20oz bottle of Dr. Pepper by my side. Yet, despite the fact that I enjoy my sodas, I don't look like some kind of reincarnation of John Candy. Now, I'm 5'7, and roughly 160.

Am I the most physically fit person in the world? No. However, I'm not fat or obese. Is it because I have some overtly phsical job where I burn more calories than most people? No. I have a job where I'm either in my car, or behind my desk. Is it because I'm some kind of health nut? No. I'll be the first to admit that I hate exercise, and that it blows the proverbial dead bear. Yet, I make sure to get in as much physical activity as I need to to keep myself as trim as possible. I do it because I realize that I don't eat and drink the healthiest things on the grocery shelves, and realize that my personal wellness is my responsibility.

So, obviously it's not JUST the consumption of sodas that is contributing to the obesity problem in our country. It's overconsumption, plus laziness (ie a lack of personal responsibility). If you drink sugary drinks, eat fatty foods, and do nothing to burn off all of those excess calories, you're going to be a fatty.If this comes as a shock to you, go and jump off of the tallest bridge you can find, because you're a moron.

So why should I, someone who is responsible enough to take care of his personal wellness, be forced to pay more for my drinks because of the laziness of others? I say, let's go after people who are really part of the problem in this country. Forget about taxing sodas. Let's tax obesity. We can use the BMI to determine whether or not someone is overweight. If they are, they will be forced to pay...Let's say a quarter per excess Lb. This way, people will have the incentive to take responsibility for their actions, and may be less inclined to blame everyone but themselves for their weight problems. Not only is more fair than a soda tax, it has the added advantage of possibly putting Rosie O'Donnell in the poor house.

Why stop there? We can go even further and tax stupidity. Think of all the extra funds our government would rake in from American Idol and Dancing With The Stars fans alone!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Apple Slices Are Not The Solution To Your Problem

What the hell is happening to things in general? When I turn on the TV, go shopping, or turn on the radio, I'm continuously reminded that things in this country are changing for the worst. Now I'm not going to go on about things like taxes, our Constitutional freedoms, or our financial markets. I'm going to talk about something that matters: McDonald's Happy Meals.

Just the other day, I saw a commercial for a Happy Meal. Now, let me backtrack for a second and say that I grew up in the 80's and 90's, and fondly remember badgering my mom until she took me to the local McDonald's for a burger, fries, and a side of fun. I don't weigh 300lbs, I don't have any health problems. Why? Because, I actually played outside as a youth (or "yout" as Joe Pesci would say).

Today's kids are differet. They sit on their fat little asses all day and play their Gamestations, surf their Facespace pages, or type on their Twittery-Blogs! All the while, their parents are either too busy, too apathetic, or feel too guilty to make their kids get out and get some exercise.

So what do they do? They blame fast food. "My little know, the one who had to be fitted for the XXX Large prescription pants... just had his second heart attack. It's obviously not his fault, or my fault...So it must be that damn McDonald's! That's it! I'll blame McDonald's!"

Anyway, this brings me back to the commercial I saw for the McDonald's Happy Meal. Apparently, McDonald's is now substituting apple slices for french fries, and low-fat milk for soda. When I was a kid, I got a burger, fries, and and orange drink, and I liked it, damnit! And back then, the toys in the Happy Meals were better too!

Look, I'm all for today's youth being nice and healthy, but putting healthy substitutions in a kid's Happy Meal is no substitution for what most of these obese kids truly need: Direction. and parenting. Instead of taking a handful of Valium (or Viagra in the case of guys) every afternoon and leaving kids to their own devices, take them out to the park, or play baseball, or football (or, as much as I hesitate to say this, soccer...if absolutely MUST) with them. Take the time to cook or buy a nutritious meal, and spend time with them instead of letting them plop down in front of their video games, or their Mr. Squarepants.

In conclusion: McDonald's, stop putting apples in your f**king Happy Meals, you pansies! If you don't, you'll have no one to blame but yourself when we become a nation of apple slice eating Nancy Boys who refuse to fight the Red Menace!

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Swine Flu. The Other White Pathogen

Three Americans have died so far this weekend as a result of swine flu infections. Their names have just been released:

Ms. Piggy
Arnold Ziffel (from Green Acres)
Mr. Pig the Piggly Wiggly Supermarkets mascot.

Porky Pig has been rushed to the hospital, and is currently in intensive care. The CDC in Atlanta is monitoring the case closely.

Godspeed, our pink-skinned, flat-nosed heroes!

10 Things You Didn't Know About Me

10. I haven't seen any of the Lord of the Rings movies (or read any of the books. And NEVER seeing them is one of my life's goals.

9. When I'm in the car, I'm constantly hitting the "SCAN" button on my radio.

8. I think the greatest commercial jingle ever is the Diesel Driving Academy song (Hear It Here!) (If you live in Louisiana, you've heard this song!).*

7. I can tell you what episode of Frasier or The Simpsons is playing after seeing no more than the first 30 seconds of each episode.

6. I can tell the difference between butter and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!

5. I used to work with a guy who looked like a real life version of Mr. Peanut.

4. I'm disgusted with what the TV Land network is becoming.

3. I'm a registered Republican, but Harry Truman (a Democrat) is my favorite president.

2. I think dentistry is a big racket, and the average dentist makes Jon Gotti look like a quior boy.

1. I'm posting this because I can't think of ANY other interesting blog topics.

*Disclaimer: I'm not responsible if the Diesel Driving Academy jingle gets stuck in your head for the next 16 years like it has for me.