Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Man Vs. Nature: The Road To Victory!

Seriously, is there any question that the apocalypse is around the corner? Not only are the Saints going to the Super Bowl….

Have I mentioned that yet? The Saints are going to the Super Bowl!

There’s a much more disturbing sign that the world will soon may be turning into a giant spinning ball of lava. First is the story that giant squid are invading California. That’s right! Giant squid are invading California. Most of these squid weigh between 20 and 40 lbs, and squirt ink at people who piss them off. I’m not kidding. According to the AP story I read, these squid have been shooting ink when they feel threatened.

I feel bad for the people of California, because they’re not going to repel this invasion. Think about it: Their governor’s a German guy. Think about what happened the last time a bunch of German guys tried to repel a sea-born invasion.

"Well, Hans, looks like our wiener schnitzels are in a ringer now."

Yeah…California’s screwed.

I think anyone with half a brain realizes that these squid are soulless, Godless, communist killing machines who are invading our soil for the very purpose of corrupting our hearts and minds! These squid are coming after our homes, our jobs, our children, and our way of life!

God forbid they catch you in a sushi restaurant, or eating calamari once they hit the mainland. They’ll send you off to one of their undersea prison camps.

It may be too late for California, but it’s not too late for you, and your hometown! Take up arms…or fishing rods, and fight these eight-armed bastards.

America fighting World War III against communist squid is just the tip of the iceberg. You see, there’s even more evidence that points to an upcoming apocalyptic animal uprising.

Snakes are learning how to smoke cigarettes.

"If I don't get my nicotine fix, I get downright venomous!" (Rimshot)

Meet Po the pit viper. He’s a three year old snake that lives with his owner Sho Lau in Taipei. According to Lau, Po smokes a cigarette in the morning, and another one in the evening.

In the Terminator movies, they talked about robots and computers becoming sentient and killing humans. They got it all wrong. It’s not the machines that are going to rise up against us. It’s the animals! Some, namely me, would say that it’s already started!

Why do you think snakes are learning to smoke cigarettes?

They’re trying to kill humans with second hand smoke. Don’t be fooled! Snakes subscribe to all the latest medical journals. They KNOW what second hand smoke does to human lungs. This is all part of their evil two-pronged assault on humanity: The poisonous snakes ambush us and bite us. The non-poisonous snakes hang around in our backyards smoking until we develop lung cancer.

Then, they invade our houses and take over.

These truly are are times that try men's souls.


  1. How can we be killed by a snake's second hand smoke? Snakes don't even HAVE hands, you goober!

    And I live in California and I can definitely vouch for your assessment. We ARE screwed.

  2. Yeah, and yesterday you would have said "Snakes don't even know HOW to smoke, you goober!" They don't have hands...yet.