BAH HUMBUG, B*TCHES!

Man alive, do I HATE Christmas!!!! I'm sure there are those of you out there right now saying something like "Tisk, tisk. Someone's going to get a lump of coal in his stocking." Well, you know what? I hope I DO get a lump of coal in my stocking. Several, in fact. I'm going to use them to throw at people who tell me that I'm going to get a lump of col in my stocking because of my hatred of Christmas!

I needed to get that out there. Now that I have, I can calm down a little! I'm serious, though, when I say I hate the holidays: Everything from the fact that they happen during the crappiest season of the year, to the fact that in our overly PC society you're considered an intolerant, hate-filled, Attila the Hun Nazi if you dare use the word Christmas instead of "Holiday."

Two things I DON'T hate are a good list, and giving all of you something fun and timely to read. So, I thought I'd combine my dislike for this time of year with my love of lists and entertaining my tens of readers. So, here goes nothing:

Why I hate The Holidays: A List

1. I can't stand those radio stations that start playing Christmas music the day after Thanksgiving. Though, considering stores put Christmas decorations up the day after Halloween, I guess I should commend the radio stations for waiting so long to start playing that same horrendous Mariah Carey Christmas song 12 times a day!

2. Happy ChristmaChanuaKwanzaCa from the PC Police: What is it about Christmas that brings these loons out of the woodwork in such record numbers? I understand that this is a special time of year for people of many various religions, and I respect that. Yet, according to these idiots, you're the second coming of Adolph Hitler if you don't mention every single holiday that every single religious or ethnic group celebrates in December (up to, and including, the December births of Ryan Seacrest, and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin). It makes this time of year unbearable, and makes it very hard for me to wish anyone seasonal goodwill.

3. Merry Christmas from the Religious Tighta**es: For those of you who complain because your kids are singing Jingle Bell Rock instead of Away In A Manger in the annual Christmas play: Shut up! In the immortal words of Forest Gump, "That's all I have to say about that."

4. Shoppers From Hell: I go to Target to buy a few groceries and end up getting shoulder checked into a Sun Chips display rack by some crazy parent all jacked up on a Starbucks latte, and trying to make it to the toy aisle before they run out of the latest toy that their ungrateful kids MUST have! If I ran things, I'd force stores like Target and Wal-Mart to set up hours just for regular shoppers buying everyday things. No crazy Christmas shopping parents allowed.

5. The Weather! My God, The Weather! I'm not going to mince words here. Winter blows dead bear. Living in Louisiana, I probably don't have much of a right to complain about the temperature. It rarely dips below freezing around here, and it only snows once in a Blue Moon. Still, the weather down here is horrible during winter. As we speak, it's rained for the last several days. The skies have been slate gray since the weekend. How can you maintain a festive mood with weather like this? It makes me wish I lived down in Australia. They actually celebrate Christmas in summer...Of course with the good comes the bad. If I were from Australia, I'd have to put up with constant comments from foreigners like "It's a damn shame about that Croc Hunter, isn't it?" or "Do you know Paul Hogan?" And don't even get me STARTED about the constant dingo/baby jokes!

These are just a FEW of my least favorite things about the Christmas season. I may have more to say as we get closer to the big day. For now, though, I leave you with this: Bah HUMBUG!