My Strange Icelandic Journey To Find TV Shows That Don't Suck

When I was a kid, there was a tv show called Coach. It was about the life of Hayden Fox (Craig T. Nelson), who coached the fictional Minnesota State Screaming Eagles football team. It followed Coach Fox, his girlfriend (later wife) Christine, and his assistant coaches Luther Van Dam (played by Jerry Van Dyke, the funnier Van Dyke brother), and Michael “Dauber” Dybinski (who now does the voice of a starfish on some little-known cartoon involving sponges).

I was probably a little too young to watch a sitcom intended for adults, but who cares! I turned out to be pretty well-adjusted in the long run. When the show ended in 1997 I was 16, so it was a moot point by then.

Anyway, the show was great, and I really enjoyed it. One the rare occasion that I was off during weekdays, I would watch Coach on the USA Network (“characters welcomed”). It was always a pleasant surprise to see it playing in the middle of the day as I channel surfed.

Earlier this week, I thought it would be fun to watch a couple of episodes of this great show. As I usually do when I want to watch a great older sitcom, I turned to the internet. There are great, legal, websites like HULU and In2tv where people can find full episodes of classic television shows. I scoured the Google search results, but didn’t have any luck finding episodes online (legally or otherwise).

Naturally!

Since I didn’t have any luck finding it online, I decided that I would crack the wallet open and buy a season or two of Coach on DVD. After a quick search, I found that the first three seasons have been released for retail sale. It shouldn’t be too hard to find locally, right?

I went to the Wal-Mart website, and did a search. Apparently, there are no seasons of Coach sold in Wal-Mart stores locally.

Strike One…Or Second and Long if we’re going to stay loyal to Coach’s football theme.

So, I thought I’d try old, faithful Best Buy. I did a quick search, and there are no Best Buy stores within a 100 mile radius that sell the show on DVD.

Third and Long.

I decided if I wanted to find my DVD’s, this horse would have to lead himself to the water. After work on Tuesday, I went down to the retail district. Since Best Buy is right in the middle of everything, I figured I’d pop in there just to double check whether or not the internet search results were correct. They were. They had just about everything ELSE on DVD, but not Coach…Oh, and they had books too! Best Buy had books! I could buy a copy of the latest conspiracy theory pabulum crapped out by Dan Brown, but I couldn’t find the TV show I was looking for!

I was informed, however, that I could purchase all three available seasons at Bestbuy.com

Yeah. I dragged by ass across town, during the afternoon rush hour and after a day of work, to a busy retail store so I could buy the f**king thing online!

Fourth Down

Speaking of books, my next stop was Barnes and Noble. Sure, Barnes and Noble inflates their movie prices by about 700 percent (seriously, anyone who buys music or movies at Barnes and Noble, is either stupid or desperate…I’m both), but sometimes it’s worth it. B&N happens to be just two doors down from Best Buy (with a Pep Boys conveniently sandwiched betwixt them), and its music and movie section usually has DVD’s that can’t normally be found elsewhere. Surely THEY would have at least one of the three seasons of Coach that have been released on DVD!

Nope…And don’t call me Shirley.

For the record, this would have been Fifth Down if such a thing existed.

Barnes and Noble had a s*itload of ALF on the shelves. They had programs that only lasted one season (or not even that). They had British sitcoms on DVD. They even had According To Jim for Christ’s sake! Yet, they didn’t have any Coach.

It’s ok, though. I was informed that I could buy all three seasons available for sale at BN.com.

These damn retail stores are keeping their stock o’ stuff in warehouses for online sale. Yet, websites like eBay are opening up retail outlets to keep the stock o’ stuff they have for sale.

I’m starting to think it’s all part of a massive Freemason, Vatican, Illuminati conspiracy to piss me off!

Maybe I should call Dan Brown. I can help him crap out another book.

You Might Be A Redneck

So, I stop by mom and pop's house this evening. Mom had been to the grocery store a little while before. I noticed her shopping list on the kitchen table, and glanced at it. At the very top was the following phrase (I swear I'm not making this up):

"Look for NASCAR shot glass."

*Sniff* I'm SO proud.

Survey Of The Worst Songs Ever

You all know about bad songs. You’ll be at home or in your car, and THAT song will come on. Now there are plenty of songs that we tune out when we hear them. Unless it’s a song we really love, or something we’ve never heard before, chances are the songs on the radio are just background music.

However, there are those special songs. Those songs that we love to hear on the radio just so we can hit the SCAN button as hard as possible. Because, after all, how will the radio know that it has dissatisfied us with sub-par music unless we stab its buttons with a force only commonly used at home when trying to eradicate Rosie O’Donnell from our TV screens? They’re the songs that we love to hate.

We all have those songs that we absolutely hate. Especially me. It’s a little bit harder for me to choose, though, because I despise pretty much every song that was recorded after 1997 or so. Here are just a few of my least favorite:

1. My Heart Will Go On Celine Dion

I know it's really popular to dislike Celine Dion. That's why I do it.

2. Horse With No Name America

Christ do I dispise you, Neil Young, you stupid Canadian* hippy asshole!

3. The Year 2525 Zager and Evans

In the year 2525, if man is still alive, if woman can survive, this song will still be a nihilistic suckfest that will make someone with even the sunniest disposition want to take a swandive off of a skyscraper.

4. Still The One Shania Twain

Shania Twain made millions of dollars by completely blurring the line between country/western music and crappy, overproduced late-1990's pop. Thanks a lot!

5. Achy Breaky Heart Billy Ray Cyrus

If it were possible for Wal-Mart to have a national anthem, this would be it.

Now, these aren’t my top 5. They’re the first 5 that I found myself able to make funny comments about.

I've decided to conduct a reader survey. Leave a comment here telling me what you think some of the worst songs of all time are. You can nominate one or more than one, but be sure and explain in a short sentence or two why you hate each song you nominate. Then, I'll post a new blog listing the songs you nominate. Basically, I'm trying to stretch this bad song thing into another blog, but I'm going to make you do the bulk of the work.

*No offense to any other Canadians. Just Neil Young.

My Eclectic Music Taste

TV Land Is Now TV Bland

I used to love TV Land. I remember when the network first launched in 1996. I stayed home all day and watched all the cool old sitcoms, dramas, and variety shows that I had only heard about from my parents. When all the network shows were trying to be poorly-written rehashes of Friends, Seinfeld, and Melrose Place it was refreshing to see something well-written rather than just a bunch of catch phrases strung together into a 22 minute crapfest of a show.

Then, TV Land started to change things up about 3 or 4 years ago. They started weeding out the great sitcoms from the era known as the "Golden Age" of tv, and started airing shows from the 1990's and 2000's (commonly known as the "Worthless Bulls**t Age" of tv). They dubbed these sitcoms "Modern Classics." Now, even though I would lament the loss of great 60's sitcoms, I could tolerate real modern classics that you never see anymore (something like Cheers). Yet what TV Land airs are cheap shows that are easy to acquire the rights to; shows that can be seen in 2 hour blocks every afternoon on TBS, or on any local station between the local news and the prime time line-up. Do you consider Just Shoot Me (a show no one watched when it was airing every week on NBC, and was lucky to have limped through the few seasons that it limped through) a Modern Classic?

Well, the Modern Classics nonsense is bad, but at least TV Land had not stooped to airing reality shows.

All that changed a year and a half ago when TV Land, in an effort to draw in that 25-54 demographic (that's IQ points, not age), started airing crap like High School Reunion, and She's Got The Look. You know the plots of these shows, because they're like every the plots of every banal, worthless reality show: A bunch of self-centered 30 and 40-somethings put aised their families and responsibilities for a few weeks for their 15 minutes of fame.

It gets worse. This spring, TV Land rolled out a new reality show called The Cougar. The show, as far as I can tell, is about a horny, self-centered 40 year old woman who tries to catch as many venereal diseases as possible from equally horny, and self-centered 20 year old boys.

Oh, and I almost forgot the other great shows TV Land aired a few years ago:Mr. T's I Pity The Fool, where Mr. T. Travels around the country, you guessed it...Pitying fools! There was also the great show Family Foreman, starring George Foreman and his 750 sons...Also named George. I guess people just aren't buying those grills like they used to.

There was also another great show in which poor, frail Bea Arthur was forced to be a substitute teacher for a day (because...see...that was her job on Golden Girls, and they thought it would be wacky to take this poor elderly woman who looked like the Crypt Keeper, and put her doing the job her former tv character did). This could be a great idea if it was executed properly (like forcing William Shatner to fly the space shuttle, or having Bob Newhart give psychological advice)...but I digress.

Speaking of people who look like the Crypt Keeper, TV Land is now hawking an upcoming show called How'd You Get So Rich starring Joan Rivers. After all, who DOESN'T love Joan Rivers! From what I can understand, the show features Joan Rivers running around and talking to rich people about how they got so rich, and how absolutely fabulous it is to be rich! Now, I'm watching!

Joan Rivers Moments Before Her Most Recent Plastic Surgery

And they wonder why people are abandoning tv and turning to the internet for entertainment.

If He'd Ever Had My Vote, He Would Have Lost It Now

I agree, Mr. President. Being drunk DEFINITELY makes your healthcare plan more palatable.

Unless you're living under a rock, you've heard the saga of the black Harvard professor who was locked out of his house and allegedly got belligerent with police when they were called in to investigate...which led to the professor's arrest. Things escalated last week when the president commented on the situation, and invited the professor and arresting officer to the White House for a frosty beer and a pow-wow.

That'll be happening in about 6 hours from now, by the way.

Now, I'm no fan of the president. His politics and mine are like oil and water...or, more aptly, liberal and conservative. As a long-time beer fan, however, I was intrigued to hear that the president invited these guys for a beer rather than a glass of wine, or a latte. For all the faults that I think President Obama may have, I thought it was pretty cool that he was a guy that could kick back with a good beer.

So, a day or so ago, the White House Press Office released the drink menu for the "Beer Summit." Dr. Henry Gates, the arrestee (for lack of a better term), will probably be drinking Red Stripe (a Jamaican beer). I've tried Red Stripe before, and wasn't very impressed with it. Sgt. Crowley, the arresting officer, will be drinking Blue Moon. I've had Blue Moon too. The flavor has a hint of pine in it. It's what I've always imagined Pine-Sol might taste like. Translation: Blue Moon tastes like crap.

What beer will our president be drinking? He's a pretty sophisticated guy, right? With that in mind, I thought that maybe Barry O would choose something like Sam Adams, Killians, Fordham, or National Bohemian (brewed down the road from the White House in Baltimore). Nope. What kind of suds will the prez be swilling this evening? Bud Lite.

Bud Lite? Seriously?

Keep in mind, I'm no beer snob. I've had them all over the years, even a few Budweisers. However, when you can have a great tasting beer owned and brewed by an American company like Sam Adams, why drink something that tastes slightly worse that horse urine and is brewed by a Belgian company? That's right! Budweiser is no longer American-owned. It's owned by a bunch of smelly Europeans (more specifically, a company known as InBev)!

Even members of the president's own party are criticizing the choice. According to the Boston Globe, Congressman Richard Neal (D-MA), sent a letter to the president suggesting that Sam Adams be served.

So why did the president choose the less than impressive Bud Lite? Maybe because, despite the change of ownership, Bud is still the most popular beer in America; maybe the most popular worldwide. Drinking the "King Of Beers" could be a great way to appeal to all those folks who perceive Obama as an "elitist." Or maybe he's trying to appeal to the Christian Right. After all, even Jesus drinks Bud.

I'm On The TV!!! (Don't Blink, Or You'll Miss Me)