Ladies And Gentlemen, Judge Fudge Has Left The Building!

Since I know you all hang on my every word, you've probably wondering where I've been this summer. The truth is that I've decided to move on to bigger and better things in the blogging world. I've had a lot of fun here on Blogspot and I don't plan to delete this blog. However, I've decided to move to I Don't Know You, But I Probably Don't Like You 2.0 on Wordpress. Stop by and say hi. Don't worry. Since I know you all crave my feedback, I'll still stop by here and read/comment on your latest updates. For now, though, I'll see you 'round the Blog-O-Sphere.

Man Vs Nature: The Road To Victory II

I can't believe that it's been exactly one month since I've posted anything on here. Yet, I come here with grave news. You may remember a few months back when I reported on snakes learning to smoke cigarettes. I said that it was a disturbing sign that animals were working to replace us at the top of earth's hierarchy.

Many of you wrote me off as crazy.

Because you all turned your backs and ignored my warnings, the diabolical plans of these evil animals have continued unabated. How do I know? I was lucky enough to obtain disturbing visual evidence of ongoing talks between mammals and crustaceans.

That's right: A Cat-Crayfish alliance!

Representatives from the mammal and crustacean world, Buggs the cat and Mr. Crawdaddy the crayfish, seal the historic agreement with a paw/claw shake while Buggs' bodyguard Smokey scans the perimeter.

Man's war against nature will not be won by sitting on the sidelines. Join the fight! You're either with us or against us!

My Own Personal Love Triangle

Dear Blog,

I have to make this quick. I think my Twitter page is on to us.

Love,

Judge Fudge

Twitter Thursday...An Hour Early (Or A Week Late If You're One Of Those Glass Half-Empty Dicks!)

Last week, I didn't post Twitter Thursday. I just haven't haven't tweeting quite as much lately. So, I waited until this week for a Super Deluxe version of T.T. (which is what all the cool kids are calling Twitter Thursday, now).

I believe in you. I just know you'll fail.7:13 PM Mar 18th via txt
"The evidence is strong that these two human groups came across each others' tools." Apparently, I'm watching the Erotic History Channel
That's it! You Twitter followers have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to Clown College!11:25 PM Mar 20th via web
Rockapella is coming to the Heyman Center. Keep your Lady Gaga bullspit, Rockapella's the band I want tickets to see.10:59 PM Mar 22nd via web
You stupid wretches!11:13 PM Mar 22nd via web
Sorry, democracy. I guess Obama's just not that into you.9:38 AM Mar 23rd via web
You chicanerous dogs!10:54 AM Mar 24th via web
If General Electric and Alitalia Airlines ever merged would they name the new company Genitalia?11:20 PM Mar 24th via web
So...how many minutes into the Rockapella show will it be before someone yells "Sing Carmen San Diego!"4:52 PM Mar 25th via web
Also, what are the odds that that person will be me?4:52 PM Mar 25th via web
A certain cat would be ill-advised to pee on the robe of the guy who feeds him.10:16 PM Mar 26th via web
If he does it again,I'm going to explain to him how they used to string tennis rackets in the old days.That'll give him nightmares for weeks10:20 PM Mar 26th via web
I'll be celebrating #EarthHour by force-feeding my used motor oil to squirrels. Be part of the solution, man!9:23 AM Mar 27th via web
The fact that Oprah is narrating this show on the Discovery Channel completely kills all enthusiasm I had for it.5:02 PM Mar 28th via web
The term "Dudevorce" is almost as disturbing as Vajazzle.9:37 PM Mar 29th via txt
Great! A Vagisil commercial right before bed. Now, I'll have nightmares!about 23 hours ago via web

Always Look For The Ring First, Gentlemen.

I recently read an article in the New York Post (which I don’t make a habit of reading, I promise) that was written by the guy originally tasked with writing one of the biggest cinematic dog turds of all time: Battlefield Earth.

Battlefield Earth, for those of you who don’t know, is a novel penned by L. Ron Hubbard; the guy who invented (yes, invented) the “religion” known as Scientology. The Post article (written by J.D. Shapiro) chronicles how he basically visited a Scientology center in Los Angeles in an effort to meet women. That visit led to him writing the screenplay for the cinematic version of Hubbard’s Sci-fi story. It’s a good article, and you should check it out if you can find it.

Anyway, the article reminded me of my very own brief brush with Scientology. I’m always looking for great topics for my blog, so I thought I’d tell all of you about my experience.

This takes place way back before your ole’ pal Judge Fudge was handed his gavel and powdered wig. It was 2005, and I was working as a sales associate in a shoe store. One autumn evening when I was sweeping up the floor, a young woman walked in wearing a backpack and carrying a clipboard. I was sweeping right near the door, so she came up and introduced herself to me. She said that she was doing a consumer survey. That, coupled with the clipboard and backpack, made me think she was probably doing a survey for a college course she was taking.

I immediately had two thoughts:

1. 11. This is something a store manager should be dealing with.

2. I don’t have time for this bulls*it.

So, I pawned the woman off on our assistant manager Stacy (who was the only other employee in the store that evening). A minute or so later, the woman came back and said “Stacy said it was ok if you took the survey.”

Well played, Stacy.

All told, the young woman wasn’t bad looking, and since I figured her to be a college student I assumed that she was roughly my age. I figured that instead of finding a nice way of telling her “I don’t have time for this bulls*it,” I’d indulge her for a few minutes.

The woman started off by asking me pretty inane questions. They were the kind of questions that are designed for everyone to say “yes” to. Questions like “Do you often feel negative emotions?” and ‘Have you ever had an unhappy relationship?’

Anyway, she and I go through about 15 or 20 of these questions, and finally she asks, “What would you say if I told you there was a book that could help you with all of those things I asked you about?”

What I said was “I’d love to learn more.”

What I was thinking was “Awww, crap! If she pulls the Book of Mormon out of her backpack, I’m going to shove it up her ass!”

Turns out she had something much worse: Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard.

At this point, I’m thinking “Is it 'Just' to fake interest in a religion just to possibly get a date with this woman?”

I determined that since Scientology is a fake religion, faking interest wasn’t unjust on my part.

I made small talk with her for about 5 minutes. That’s when she, in passing, mentioned her husband. Seconds after that was when I finally noticed (duh), the gold ring on her finger!

Long story short, the woman had gotten my mailing address and email address before I noodle through the fact that she was going to be going home to a another brainwashed Thetan. As a result, I still (despite moving to a new address in the years since 2005) get nonsense in the mail from this fake religion.

So, Mr. Shapiro of the New York Post and I have something in common. Our respective “little buddies” have gotten us both in trouble with a religion that worships space aliens and (ironically) hates psychologists.

Oh well. At least I got out before I was asked to write one of the worst movies ever made.

Twitter Thursday

Reality shows on the History Channel! I guess next they're going to stop playing music on MTV or something.3:25 PM Mar 13th via web
The words I will live by from now on:"Vegetables. They're what food eats."9:27 PM Mar 14th via web
ABBA in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame? That makes about as much sense as giving Obama a Nobel Peace Pri...Oh, wait.7:39 AM Mar 15th via web
The New Orleans EarthFest sponsored by British Petroleum.I'm going to call Don Rumsfeld and ask him if he wants to sponsor Peacefest8:03 AM Mar 15th via web
Another earthquake hit Japan. It's only a matter of time before Godzilla is awakened from his underwater slumber.12:23 PM Mar 15th via txt
As long as your ole' pal Judge Fudge is alive, it is NOT accurate to declare that everybody loves Raymond.1:02 PM Mar 16th via web
Gimme back that fillet of fish. Gimme that fish.7:49 PM Mar 16th via web
What if you were made into a tasty fish treat? If it were YOU in that sandwich, you wouldn't be getting this tweeeeet.7:49 PM Mar 16th via web

Twitter Thursday

I feel like I'm in a Twilight Zone alternate reality where I'm the only one who realizes what an unfunny, vulgar dolt Sarah Silverman is.8:29 PM Mar 4th via web
Fruit Stripe Gum was always like the retard of gums when I was growing up..8:47 PM Mar 5th via web
Guess who has two thumbs and doesn't give a rat's rear end about the Oscars.9:57 AM Mar 7th via txt
The History Channel should combine the shows "American Eats" and "American Pickers" and produce a new show called "Picking and Eating."1:44 PM Mar 7th via web
You stupid wretches! I hate you all! :p1:51 PM Mar 7th via web
I wonder if Ted Kennedy's sober yet.1:55 PM Mar 7th via web
No one ever pays me in gum :(8:16 PM Mar 8th via web
Learned a new word today: Vajazzle. I'm pretty sure its why terrorists hate our country.10:30 AM Mar 9th via web
The LAST thing we need is for circus freks to unionize.8:51 PM Mar 9th via txt
Chuck Norris is only a few months younger than my grandma.If they were both single met and liked each other Chuck Norris could be my grandpa12:10 PM Mar 10th via web
Would I call him "Paw Paw Chuck" or "Paw Paw Norris?"12:11 PM Mar 10th via web
Who am I kidding? I'd just call him "Sir."12:11 PM Mar 10th via web

Shhhhh, Don't Tell The Pedophiles

Do you get a free kid with the rental of two or more movies, or is Movie Gallery branching out into other fields?

Vajazzling Makes Me Want To VaVomit!

I learned a new word today. I'm pretty sure it's the most annoying, ridiculous thing I've ever heard of, and just the fact that there IS a word for this pisses me off. Today's secret word is: Vajazzle.

If you don't know what vajazzling is, it's basically a new fad in which women put rhinestones on their crotches.

Yes...that's right.

Rhinestones...

...On their crotches.

Think about it like this: Bedazzle+Vagina=Vajazzle.

Is there any doubt that those four horsemen will be showing up any day now?

I heard about this pop culture dog turd thanks to a nationally syndicated radio show that I like to listen to when I'm getting ready for work. Apparently, it's not a new phenomenon. A couple of months back, actress Jennifer Love Hewitt talked about bedazzling her "precious lady" during a talk show appearance. "It shined like a disco ball," Hewitt gleefully reported.

Like a good blogger, I spent the last hour shirking all work-related responsibility to do a little research on vajazzling. There are sites that call it out for the ridiculously idiotic concept that it is, sites instructing you how to vajazzle, and even one that calls it...I kid you not..."classy."

Do they mean classy in an ironic kind of way, or in a meth addicted 19 year old stripper wearing a halter-top that says "Classy Lassy" kind of way?

You know, there are a lot of people that say that Al Qaeda and other terrorist groups hate us because of our freedom, or because the average Westerner has so much disposable income. I used to think the same thing...Until today. They don't hate us because of our freedom, they hate us because we choose to do nonsense like this with our freedom and our money.

After today, I can't help but sympathize with the terrorists slightly.

Now before I get a bunch of letters and phone calls from the ACLU and Amnesty International asking for donations, let me say this: If I were president, water-boarding would be the least of a terrorists worries. If I were in charge, we would be strapping jumper cables to the nipples of the folks at Guantanamo and shooting a couple of hundred volts through them every morning before breakfast.

Still...I can't help but sympathize with them a little after hearing about this vajazzling nonsense. Think about it: Hundreds of thousands in these Middle Eastern countries don't have running water, they don't have jobs, they still go to the bathroom in a hole in their backyards.

Meanwhile, rich white American women have the time and money to get costume jewelry glued to their cooters!

Cue the Lee Greenwood music, because I'm proud to be an American!