Friday, May 8, 2009

Apple Slices Are Not The Solution To Your Problem

What the hell is happening to things in general? When I turn on the TV, go shopping, or turn on the radio, I'm continuously reminded that things in this country are changing for the worst. Now I'm not going to go on about things like taxes, our Constitutional freedoms, or our financial markets. I'm going to talk about something that matters: McDonald's Happy Meals.

Just the other day, I saw a commercial for a Happy Meal. Now, let me backtrack for a second and say that I grew up in the 80's and 90's, and fondly remember badgering my mom until she took me to the local McDonald's for a burger, fries, and a side of fun. I don't weigh 300lbs, I don't have any health problems. Why? Because, I actually played outside as a youth (or "yout" as Joe Pesci would say).

Today's kids are differet. They sit on their fat little asses all day and play their Gamestations, surf their Facespace pages, or type on their Twittery-Blogs! All the while, their parents are either too busy, too apathetic, or feel too guilty to make their kids get out and get some exercise.

So what do they do? They blame fast food. "My little know, the one who had to be fitted for the XXX Large prescription pants... just had his second heart attack. It's obviously not his fault, or my fault...So it must be that damn McDonald's! That's it! I'll blame McDonald's!"

Anyway, this brings me back to the commercial I saw for the McDonald's Happy Meal. Apparently, McDonald's is now substituting apple slices for french fries, and low-fat milk for soda. When I was a kid, I got a burger, fries, and and orange drink, and I liked it, damnit! And back then, the toys in the Happy Meals were better too!

Look, I'm all for today's youth being nice and healthy, but putting healthy substitutions in a kid's Happy Meal is no substitution for what most of these obese kids truly need: Direction. and parenting. Instead of taking a handful of Valium (or Viagra in the case of guys) every afternoon and leaving kids to their own devices, take them out to the park, or play baseball, or football (or, as much as I hesitate to say this, soccer...if absolutely MUST) with them. Take the time to cook or buy a nutritious meal, and spend time with them instead of letting them plop down in front of their video games, or their Mr. Squarepants.

In conclusion: McDonald's, stop putting apples in your f**king Happy Meals, you pansies! If you don't, you'll have no one to blame but yourself when we become a nation of apple slice eating Nancy Boys who refuse to fight the Red Menace!


  1. So it's a burger, apple slices (with preservatives on them to keep them from browning) and milk?!?!? WTF?? That sounds like a Sad Meal to me.

    Those bastards at McDonald's. First they screw with me about the McCafe coffee, now this.

  2. How did they screw with you with the McCafe coffees? I'll say I had one last weekend, and it just doesn't hold a candle to coffee shop iced coffees.

  3. Check out my January 5 post. And then they STILL didn't have it for another three weeks. I was back to drinking tea by then. Glad they suck.