Friday, May 15, 2009

I Call For A Lardass Tax!

"I wash myself with a rag on a stick."-Bart Simpson

I tell you, I'm as mad as a Chinese restaurant owner in an animal shelter that doesn't have any cats! The Democrats in Washington, in yet another attempt to piss away the overwhelming (and irrational) support they're enjoying from many Americans right now, are attempting (in part) to fund their universal healthcare plan by imposing a 3 cent tax on sodas and energy drinks. Their argument is that sodas have absolutely no nutritional quality, and are a leading contributor to obesity in the United States.

Now, I'm not going to sit here and try to argue about how asinine the idea of universal healthcare is. I won't even talk about how it's none of the government's damn business to try and alter our behavior by taxing something that they perceive as un-PC.

I WILL talk about something that I talked in my previous blog: Personal responsibility! Ok, I'll concede that there are a lot of overweight people who consume way too many sodas. Think about this, though: I drink plenty of soda. I usually have one for lunch, and always have one with dinner. In fact, as I write this, there is a 20oz bottle of Dr. Pepper by my side. Yet, despite the fact that I enjoy my sodas, I don't look like some kind of reincarnation of John Candy. Now, I'm 5'7, and roughly 160.

Am I the most physically fit person in the world? No. However, I'm not fat or obese. Is it because I have some overtly phsical job where I burn more calories than most people? No. I have a job where I'm either in my car, or behind my desk. Is it because I'm some kind of health nut? No. I'll be the first to admit that I hate exercise, and that it blows the proverbial dead bear. Yet, I make sure to get in as much physical activity as I need to to keep myself as trim as possible. I do it because I realize that I don't eat and drink the healthiest things on the grocery shelves, and realize that my personal wellness is my responsibility.

So, obviously it's not JUST the consumption of sodas that is contributing to the obesity problem in our country. It's overconsumption, plus laziness (ie a lack of personal responsibility). If you drink sugary drinks, eat fatty foods, and do nothing to burn off all of those excess calories, you're going to be a fatty.If this comes as a shock to you, go and jump off of the tallest bridge you can find, because you're a moron.

So why should I, someone who is responsible enough to take care of his personal wellness, be forced to pay more for my drinks because of the laziness of others? I say, let's go after people who are really part of the problem in this country. Forget about taxing sodas. Let's tax obesity. We can use the BMI to determine whether or not someone is overweight. If they are, they will be forced to pay...Let's say a quarter per excess Lb. This way, people will have the incentive to take responsibility for their actions, and may be less inclined to blame everyone but themselves for their weight problems. Not only is more fair than a soda tax, it has the added advantage of possibly putting Rosie O'Donnell in the poor house.

Why stop there? We can go even further and tax stupidity. Think of all the extra funds our government would rake in from American Idol and Dancing With The Stars fans alone!


  1. Well you know how much I hate Rosie O'Donnell so I'm all for the BMI tax!

    And we can tax all the stupes who bought Snuggies, too.

    You should run for Congress.

  2. Without the support of the Cholesterol Lobby, I'd never win.

    And don't get me started on the Snuggie! Oh, how I hate it so!

  3. Personal responsibility? What planet are YOU living on? You KNOW that society must cater to the lowest common denominator otherwise it'll be CHAOS, I TELL YOU!

    Seriously, though, very well said. We can pass all the legislation we want to, but idiots are still idiots.

    I love your last post as well. If my parents every tried to get me to have apples as a side order on my Happy Meal, I'd have boycotted the arches the rest of my life. A fry-less McMeal is like non-alcoholic beer. What's the point?

  4. Yeah most people look at responsibility like it's some excruciating new form of waterboarding.